I’m 40 and here’s my awesome top 10 list

I was watching the Today Show this week and caught an interview with Glamour Magazine’s editor-in-chief, Cindi Levie who was chatting with Ann Curry about a list that was published in 1997 called 30 things every woman should have and should know by 30. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/24/turning-30-30-things-every-woman-should-have-and-should-know_n_1447368.html

I’ll admit, I glanced at the list quickly. Why? Because I’m forty, busy and frankly only kinda give a crap. Then I started thinking, I want a list. I have always been intrigued by lists like these, “What Every Woman Should Have in Her Purse”, “10 Things You MUST Say On A First Date”, etc. Who comes up with this and why is it so? I have decided I must have a list so I’ve come up with this: I’m Forty And Here Is A Top 10 List of What Every Woman Must Have Or Do Before 40 (because I said so damn it).

10. Go to a movie, a restaurant or for that matter on vacation by yourself and be comfortable while doing it.

9. Invest in a really good ice cream scooper. I’m talking about a good one with the metal teeth that cuts through the ice cream, not the plastic, crappy kind. Ice cream always makes things better.

8. Have a cocktail/wine mentor. This is somebody that you believe is super cool ordering alcoholic beverages. This means you don’t have to do your own research, but simply follow their lead and look cool by association. It saves a ton of time.

7. Have a cause. Just something other than yourself that gets you passionate. I don’t care what it is..animals, the earth, kids, cancer, just something that you devote a little time and energy to that keeps you grounded.

6. Find a therapist early. You’re going to need one. Even if you think everything is fine now, by the time you’re forty, you, like everyone else in white, middle class America, needs a therapist.

5. Don’t ever swear that you’ve “learned your lesson and you’ll never do that again.” Trust me, you haven’t and you will.

4. Here’s the deal – its just hair, it will grow back. Never cry about a bad haircut. People are dying in this world every day from starvation, illness, war, etc. Crying about a haircut or bad color is just plain stupid.

3. Follow the headlines enough that you can have a somewhat intelligent conversation. I’m not saying you need to know the whole history to the current situation in Afghanistan, but know enough to be able to say whether you think our troops should stay or go. If you have time to Keep up with the Kardashians, you have time to quickly read the headlines.

2. Get a great tweezers. By the time your forty, crazy eyebrow hair will break free from the boundaries of your eyebrows and end up on your chin. To this day, I don’t understand how it happens, but it does. You absolutely have to get a good tweezers.

1. Write a kick ass list like this for no reason while watching the Daily Show. It is so empowering and now makes me feel like anything is possible! Maybe I’ll do another one tomorrow just because I can. Why? Because I’m 40 and at 40 I feel confident to do my own thing, make as many lists as I want and I don’t really care if anyone follows this advice or not. That is the biggest difference between 30 and 40.

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Kony 2012 – did it damage a whole generation?

I was driving around suburbia, midwest USA yesterday when I saw a sign.  I caught it out of the corner of my eye when I passed a stop sign.  It was in the usual place where the lost dog, garage sale or the usual community announcement is placed.  As I kept driving, there were more and more and more.  Every street sign, another black and white small homemade looking sign attached to it, “Stop Kony 2012″.

Ah yes, Kony 2012.  After watching the YouTube video that started the whole thing with 80 million of my closest friends and then watching the filmmaker flip out on the same social media outlet that made him famous, I thought that whole story was over.  The world’s 3 second attention span was on to move important things like whether Khloe Kardashian was preggers.

Then it dawned on me, there was a whole generation of kids who weren’t jaded yet.  I started thinking about who put those Kony 2012 signs on the street signs in my neighborhood.  Who still tried to take over the night on April 20 while the rest of us moved on?  How disappointed were they on the next day when they woke up and realized that most of the world didn’t give a damn anymore?  Will the experience put out the fire inside them from wanting to do the right thing on a global scale?

Once I was one of them.  Years ago, I would have taken over the night.  I wanted desperately to be part of “the solution”.  As a testimonial to most of my experience in international and national causes; I rolled over on Kony 2012 night and went to sleep. It’s not that I don’t care about the cause of child soldiers.  It tore at my heart like it did for the 80 million.  It’s just because I’ve learned too much in my travels and with my experience in aid, both national and international, to know that this campaign was doomed.  Sorry kiddos…tried to warn you.

What are we left with now that it’s all over?  Kony is still out there even with all of this publicity.  Did this whole experience just jade an entire generation of kids?  Is this generation going to walk around mumbling “Remember Kony?” anytime someone even mentions trying to start something to squash human right abuses?  We thought Gen Y was apathetic and entitled, what have we just done to Gen Z?  Maybe Gen X should have gotten out of bed and put up a few signs with Gen Y and Gen Z just so we could improve our future workforce and kept them optimistic.

There is so much time only time will tell.  Will the youngsters who did participate in Kony 2012 grow up drug addicted, pissed off, aimless adults?  Will that cute kid from the Kony 2012 video grow up to be a hottie like his dad?  Will anyone ever find Kony?  What we do know is that somebody always has to be the first to try something and that is what Invisible Children did.  They were the first, to my knowledge,  to attempt to use social media to launch a human rights initiative with an action component.  Their video did go viral and was seen by 80 million people.  People know who Kony is now so one of their goals was reached. There will be many who follow and some who succeed.  Invisible Children, you are no longer Invisible.  Now for those kids who put up those signs in my neighborhood, take them down and put them in the recyclable container before they start blowing all over my neighborhood!

Secret Service – my outrage, the guys are cheap!

I’m back people!  I’m so glad to be back.  I just moved into my new apartment and I was cableless for about a week.  I am now hooked up and back online.  Can I tell you how scary it has been to be alone with only my thoughts and a few back issues of People magazine to keep me company.  So what have I missed?  Not much other than our Federal Government has been throwing massive parties and our Secret Service getting laid.  Sounds about right…

Looks like our brave boys got themselves into some trouble down south (get it – I crack myself up).  The nation has our panties in bunch because our boys were doing a little x rated tangoing with some ladies of the night in Colombia.  The headlines went crazy and talk radio was a flutter all because (gasp) our straight laced, testosterone pumped, men who have been sworn to protect the President were getting laid.

How could they do this?  How could they put our country so close to absolute destruction and with prostitutes no less!  The shame, the horror…

Seriously folks?  I just want to pinch our cute little cheeks when we are so naive.  These guys are in a high stress job protecting the President of the United States.  I say they probably have a stress level that most of us will never experience.  I’m o.k. with them needing to release some stress every now and then.  The other deal – prostitution is legal in other countries.  We may not like it, but it is.  Trust me, there are American businessmen traveling overseas that are VERY aware of that fact.

Here is what I am outraged about, the dispute that brought this whole thing to light was over the fact that the secret service guy paid the woman $30 for intercourse when he promised her 3 times that amount.  She pitched a fit in the lobby and that is what brought this whole scandal out in the open.  Here is where the outrage should be – Why are our secret service guys so dang cheap? Now, I am not there to judge the quality of the service, but I think $90 for a night of horizontal salsa sounds pretty reasonable.  $30 dude, seriously?  You, secret service guy, may or may not be married and are taking part in an activity that you know is not A-OK if it were on American soil, but you really want to squabble over the bill?  That alone take some balls.  Cheap and ballsie, that is what you are Mr. Secret Service guy and now add unemployed.

Can you image this guy filling out his next employment application,

“What was the reason you left your last job?”

“Um, I didn’t pay my hooker what I promised and she told my boss, the President, and I got fired.”

So what are we left with? Secret Service agents, who I believe all look like a young Kevin Costner, horny and if needed sleeping with just anybody.  I would have voted for the paid “escorts” who understand the need for professional discretion vs. random girl at a bar who you and I know will be posting that status update as soon as she leaves his bed.  As far as I know, these guys didn’t sign up for the Priesthood when they decided to devote themselves to protecting the President.  I highly doubt there is anything written into their employment contract that states that the only people they can have sex with are the people they are officially married to.  If that is the case, then that knocks a big coolness factor out the image of being a Secret Service Agent.  If you have ever seen one of these guys in person, let me tell you after living in DC, they are all HOT.

Well, it looks like my blog went on to long talking about Secret Service sex for me to even get into GSA Gone Wild in Vegas.  Look for that in my next entry.    So glad to be back!

Everyone ready, aim, fire – the Mommy Wars!

Quick somebody wake Oprah!  Get her back to Harpo studios STAT!  The mommy wars have just erupted again.  It’s on like Donkey Kong people, that’s right..flash back to 1985 when this whole thing started.  It’s just like that same zit on my cheek that keeps reappearing and won’t go away (also started I believe in 1985), do stay at home mom’s work?  OMG! 

Why are we still talking about this?  Why does twitter have its panties in a wad over this one today?  Turns out Hilary Rosen, a democratic political strategist was on AC360 and made a statement that Mitt Romney should stop looking to his wife to guide him on women’s economic struggles because she hasn’t worked a day in her life.  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/hilary-rosen/ann-romney-women_b_1419480.html

Oh no she didn’t!  Hil, honey.  Ms. Romney raised 5 boys.  5, J Crew photo shoot ready keeping them out of trouble for political family reasons, boys.  I’m sure it was very difficult raising 5 boys, shuttling them in different cadilacs from one country club to another for a golf lesson, football practice, tennis lessons, water polo lessons,  crew team practice, pep club, Morman choir practice, student senate election, debate club, boy scout sleep overs, etc. etc.  It had to be difficult telling the maids how to iron each Ralph Lauren button down in all the variety of sherbert colors correctly and make sure each boy had the correct Gap khaki pants in the right dresser drawer. 

Ok, ok…rich SAHMs. Calm down.  I’m making fun.  I know moms work hard.  All mom’s work hard.  Stay at home moms, working moms, part time working moms, welfare moms, military moms, married moms, single moms, teenage moms, adoptive moms, stay at home dads, gay moms, gay dads married to moms. 

If you think I should be struck down for making fun of Ms. Romney – don’t worry your pretty little head.  That’s been taken care of.  Here’s how my morning started.

Running late to work and had darling daughter in the car.  Drove through McDonalds for breakfast, because I’m the kind of mom who gets my daughter’s day going with a nutritious breakfast of a sausage biscuit and chocolate milk (large diet coke for working mom).  Driving like a bat out of hell for the highway, daughter manages to drop chocolate milk all over her Hippo pillow pet on the floor of the backseat of my mom car.  (insert major crying)  Turn car around and head for home to give favorite hippo pillow a bath in the washing machine.  Grab “new” hippo (darling daughter never accepted “new” hippo – only allows “new” hippo in case of emergencies with “old” hippo like chocolate milk baths).  We purchased “new” hippo because “old” hippo has been with daughter for 4 years.  Yank my floor mat out of the car before the sour milk smell kicks in.  Along with floor mat covered in milk, a headband, some loose change and her Moses action figure – they were selling them at the Dollar Store!  Moses may have successfully parted the Red Sea, but he wasn’t able to survive the milk bath.

Back in the car with Darling Daughter now drinking water.  Still driving like a crazy woman so not to be more than an hour late for work.  Arrive at preschool and enter to find out….it’s PAJAMA DAY!  Totally forgot to read the email that it is PAJAMA DAY!  Damn it.  Out pops daughter’s bottom lip and the tears start.  Daughter is one of the only kids not in her pajamas.  I can calculate the mental damage being done all before 9 am.  I can’t remember my exact pep talk, but I think it had something to do with me buying her a pony.

I hand her off to her preschool teachers to deal with.  I promise to pay my bill and thank them a million times for raising my daughter.  For the future therapist who counsels her through her difficult teen years…I’m so happy I’ve provided you with things to talk about. 

To the SAHMs and the working moms, let’s just agree that raising children is the hardest job in the entire world.  We are all frazzeled, exhausted and just hoping we’re doing it while inflicting as little damaging to these poor souls as possible.  As another Hil once said, “it takes a village.” In my case, my village has a chocolate milk covered Hippo.

Goodbye Rick…you will be missed

Dear Rick,

I knew this time would come.   I knew we would have to say goodbye.  So many memmories I will take with me when this campaign is over.  I remember when you were just starting out.  No one believed in you at first.  You were up on the stage, looking so eager.  Someone please pay attention to me,  I thought your eyes shouted out on that big debate stage.  You were such an under dog.  Come to think of it, you look a bit like Under Dog:

That’s all over now as you gracefully exit the race.  Now all I have left is this image of Under Dog in my head to comfort me.  You were so close too.  So close to wrecking havic on this nation’s social programs, sex lives and porno.  To think, this nation could have been one second away from resembling a 1950′s sitcom (and not in a good way) and it could have all been thanks to you.  It’s now all over. 

I keep dreaming of what a Santorum presidency would have been like.  I know in my heart you would have done something radical, because that is just the type of man you are and picked a non politician for your running mate.  That is what this country needs, and knowing that, you would have announced a Santorum/Duggar ticket.  Instead of Bruce Springsteen for a campaign song, you would have picked the Duggar’s playing violins up there on the campaign stage and America would have fallen in love.  Foreget Camp David for your get aways as President, Branson would be the President’s new playground.  No inviting the public to the annual White House Easter Egg Hunt, your kids plus the Duggars would have covered it.  This country could have been your Christian, legislative playground. 

Now what are we left with?  I guess Romney who we all know is not wanted by the GOP.  Just a moderate in sheeps clothing.  Not a true conservative like yourself.  No more Santorum who was willing to set this nation back 50 years with views on Women’s Health.  Oh well Rick, I still have my memories to sustain me.  Thank you for dragging this campaign out as long as you did.  It was your fierce competitive spirit and outrageous ideas about contraception that helped fuel that GOP War on Women that I think is going to help defeat Mitt Romney this election.  For this, we have you to thank. 

Go rest now after such a valiant effort.  I am taking this moment to thank my God that you did not succeed.  See I believe in God as much as you do.  It’s my belief that God does things for a reason.  In this case the message is loud and clear.

Yours in comedy spirit,

Aimee

What Real Housewives, “The Situation” and Slavery all have in common

Dear Radar Online:

First let me tell you that I adore your site. When I am worn out from reading the latest headline from our nation’s dire economic situation, the recent conflict in Mali, or where we stand with our nation’s polarizing political system, I turn to you for the latest in juicy celebrity gossip.

You are always there for me. I love you, because you are never drenched in lots of video footage that can clog my beloved iphone. Your articles are short, sweet and always shallow. Yes, I want to know who is coming back to the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Yes, I want to know all about Snooki’s pregnancy and yes I want to know who has the best beach bodies this season. A girl’s head can hurt trying to think about Middle East peace all day. I need me some good Bravo gossip to round my day out.

It was last night that I settled in to watch DWTS and channel flipped to the basketball tournament that I went to your iPhone app. There it was as I slowly exhaled to find out why Khloe and Lamar were both crying when they found out about his trade. Ahh…an article about JLo being raunchy with her boy toy. Love it! An article about George Zimmerman – o.k. you get a pass for being topical. You are back online with a post about Tamara Barney breaking down sobbing when her divorce was finalized. Nicely done. Next article, transgender beauty queen kicked out of pagent. This is why I love ya Radar Online!

Next article, give me more of what I come here for Radar Online…slavery. Excuse me? Slavery..like American slavery? We aren’t talking about Madonna in her kinky sex slavery 1990 days are we? Nope, we are talking about the horrific time in American history that most American would like to forget. The real deal, African American slavery.

Here’s the link to prove I’m not making this up: http://www.radaronline.com/exclusives/2012/04/american-slaves-photos-last-generation-interviews

Believe it or not, I was an American history major in college. I have studied extensively about slavery in America. I actually have many of the slave narratives that they are talking about in this article on my Kindle. The slave narratives were one of the first things I downloaded onto my Kindle when I received it a few years ago for Hanukkah. (These slave narratives have been available from the Library of Congress for a while. They are free to download to Kindle and I recommend that you download them if you want to learn about Americans in this country who managed to rise up against every imaginable obsticle to find their place in among people who once owned them. The narratives will help shape your opinion about current issues such as poverty, welfare and race in America. These narratives were made during the FDR administration when people were put to work to record the stories of freed slaves in America before they died out and their stories were lost forever. (I’m sure now the GOP would declare this some sort of a socialist project, but I think it was pure brilliance.)

What the HELL is this type of story doing on Radar Online? Now at the bottom of Radar Online’s stories they suggest “stories you might also like”. After reading about these people who were in bondage most of their lives and lived to tell the tale, here are some of thes stories I might also like:

Khloe Kardashian OK with her mom calling her fat. (I get that Khloe – my mom often tell me I need “a little color” when I need lipstick)

Desirable or Delusional? Columnist Claims Women Hate Her Because She’s Just Too Beautiful. (my vote – delusional)

Dog Day Afternoon at the Beach! Bounty Hunter Duane Chapman and Wife Reveal Their Beach Bods.

It goes on to show Coco’s wardrobe malfunction, etc. etc.

Thanks Radar Online. I’m sure these former slaves would also enjoy their stories of once being considered property being linked with Khloe Kardashian’s weight issues and Coco’s boob slip.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!

Radar Online – please, please, please stick to what you do best. Educate me on all of the reality television shows on Bravo. Tell me why JLo shouldn’t date her boy toy. Give me an update on the latest Halle Berry custody dispute, but please stay out of the business of putting a story about American slavery before a story about “The Situations” prescription pill problem. It just seems so icky.

Thanks,

A faithful reader

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