Romney is just like an average American except his pet is in the Olympics

Olympics 2012 is in full swing.  After a spectacular opening ceremony that was a nice balance of an opening scene from Les Miserable, a 1980 acid trip and feel-good Hallmark commercial the games are on in full swing.  I, like most people in the world, are tuned in and full of American spirit.

Mitt Romney was in London for the opening ceremony of the Olympics.  Turns out, he wasn’t there only to show us what an excellent statesman he is by connecting so easily with the British people, he was also there because he has a horse competing in the Dressage event in the Olympics.

Hold it..googling “dressage”..the “horse ballet”.

Well, if I was ever concerned that an uber-rich guy like Romney understands what average Americans face every day, my concerns are now put to rest.  We have something in common!  We both have pets.  Romney has his pet horse and I have my pet cat.  

Here is a list of similarities with our pets:

  • Romney’s horse is estimated at a value of $500,000.  My cat Harry, I got from my local vet for $50.  There are only four zeros in difference from my pet and Romney’s pet.  If there were 5 zeros then we would have a problem. 
  • My cat Harry does an amazing dance when I dangle a string in front of him.  Romney’s horse does “ballet”.
  • Romney’s horse will jump.  My cat Harry jumps from the couch to his cat house.
  • My cat Harry and Romney’s horse both eat food..

That confirms it.  He is just like me, an average American.  I just didn’t realize that I could have sent my pet to the Olympics.  Why didn’t the 99% of American people get the message that we could also send our pets to the Olympics?   I’m sure there would be millions of American dogs, cats, hamsters and fish that would have also like to have an Olympic experience.  Well, now we know.

I will continue to look for more ways that Romney is just like an average American.  Right how, I’ve got to go start training Harry for the Olympics in Rio.




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Ice Dream from Chick-fil-A is finally out of the closet

To ice cream lovers around the country:

I’ve been hiding a secret. See, many people come in to Chick-Fil-A thinking by ordering an ice-cream cone they are eating ice cream. They enjoy my vanilla goodness thinking that I am the same as traditional ice-cream. I’ve been living a lie. See, the ice cream you have been eating at Chick-fil-A is not really ice cream, it’s actually Ice Dream.

That is why I am coming out today to announce to the world that I am not traditional ice cream. I am Ice Dream and yes, maybe that is also the name of a homosexual porno movie (Google it if you dare), but that is besides the point. I am proud that I am not traditional ice cream. I am no longer going to pretend to be traditional ice cream. The reason I’m different from traditional ice cream is from the way I was made. My ingredients make me different from traditional ice cream. It’s just how I was made and there is nothing I can do to change that or it wouldn’t make me who I am, a delicious treat.

I’ve been providing the customers of Chick-fil-A a thrill for decades with my smooth and creamy flavor. No one seems to mind that I am not traditional ice cream. I think this is evidence that traditional and non-traditional foods can live together inside of a Chick-Fil-A harmoniously. This is why I am calling on my owner and Chick-fil-A customers around the country to embrace me and the fact that I am not traditional ice cream and I am finally out of the closet.

I thought people would notice by my extra flamboyant flip that I do at the top of every cone. My flip isn’t a traditional end of the dispenser flip like other fast foot chains. My flip has extra charisma, a flare for the creative as one might say. I thought this would be a sign for people to know that I am not traditional ice cream. Yet, no one paid much attention, because at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter.

My owner, Dan Cathy recently provided a statement that he is in favor of biblical interpretation of traditional marriage. I think that by him serving non-traditional ice cream, maybe he can find it in his heart to change his mind. I am evidence that traditional isn’t always better. Sometimes, like my ingredients, it just comes down to how we were made.

Well, I’m glad I am now out as non-traditional ice cream. I’m proud to be Ice Dream and I’m here to stay.


Ice Dream

Chick-Fil-A’s ice cream of choice

“Numb nuts” in the news

Thirteen year old boys everywhere are applauding Representative Louie Gohmert, R-TX today for his use of the word “numb nuts”.  The oldie but goodie came out when Rep. Gohmert was describing John McCain’s public lashing he gave Michele Bachmann and her committee when they declared that Huma Abedin, a top aid for Hillary Clinton, had ties to the Muslim Brotherhood. Here is the quote:

“Well, it’s obvious that John McCain didn’t even read the letter because of what he said in accusing Michele and us of making these horrible accusations,” Gohmert said on the Dennis Miller Show. “And I wish some of these numb nuts would go out and read the letter before they make these horrible allegations about the horrible accusations we’re making. But we also know that John McCain himself had said back in the early stages of stuff going on in Egypt that he was, in his words, ‘unalterably opposed to helping the Muslim Brotherhood.’ Well, obviously the unalterable person has been altered, so he is OK with it now.”–rep-gohmert-calls-mccain-critics-of-letter-numb-nuts

The response from the “numb nuts” is just in – “I know you are, but what am I?”

This snappy come back, along with a bunch of other stuff about how yo mama wears combat boots was included in the response.

Now I the term “numb nuts” and it is described as an “idiot”.

I guess this use of adolescent language is a new initiative from Rep. Gohmert to appeal to the youth in our country.  Never mind offering intelligent comments defending a claim that has put the woman’s life at risk.  No better way to show our youth how there really isn’t much difference from the playground to the floor of the Congress with words like “numb nuts”.

It’s funny that Rep. Gohmert uses the throw-back term “numb nuts” because that summarizes exactly how a lot of people feel in this country when baseless comments are made by members of Congress for no other reason than to cause fear among Americans and bolster their own political positions.

I was going to use the term “irresponsible” or “baseless”, but I think numb nuts applies here Rep. Gohmert as well.

In the quote he is clear when complaining about horrible allegations about the committee’s horrible allegations.  One thing is for sure, there are a lot of horrible allegations being made by numb nuts.  Thanks for pointing that out Rep. Gohmert.    I guess the American people can decide who the real numb nuts are in this scenario.

The teenage boy lobby has a new hero in Rep. Gohmert.  Maybe next week he will revive old phrases like “Gag me with a spoon.”  I guess we will just have to wait and see.

MO votes on a way to get kids out of doing school work

I know it’s summer school kids, but take a break from Facebooking your BFFs and read this. MO is voting on a way to get you out of doing school work. MO lawmakers must have heard your prayers that there is too much work to do in school so now they have come up with a way to get you out of school work: the MO Right To Pray Constitutional Amendment!

Quick summary – you can pray in school and get out of any work that conflicts with your religious beliefs.

Now kids, I’m sure you are thinking to yourself, “I thought Freedom of Religion was protected in our First Amendment in our Constitution?”

Ding, Ding! You are correct young person. I guess your MO lawmakers were spending far too much time on things like creating MO jobs, helping the MO economy recover and all those pesky little economic things that they decided to spend their time and your parent’s tax dollars creating a new constitutional amendment for MO guaranteeing your right to pray in school.

Now since you are a smart young person, you probably already know that if you were really needing to chat with the Lord during public school hours a simple quiet reflection is already protected, but that’s besides the point.

I know personally there were many times I prayed before a test. I am not sure how I was able to pull that off before the MO right to pray law, but now you will definitely not be banned from having a little 411 with God during public school time.

Young folks, I’ve left the best part for last – they have included in this law that if you disagree with something in school you can decide not participate and it’s protected by this new amendment! You can just declare the subject and assignment against your religious beliefs!

Say goodbye to Earth Science religious kiddos. No need to study how the earth was created with all that science stuff, now you can exercise your MO constitutional right to sit this one out. Now, I hated Earth Science and Biology. I was forced to sit through these classes as part of my public school education requirements. Don’t do what I was forced to do and declare these subjects to be against your religious beliefs and get a pass right out the door!

Be sure and let your parents know how your MO lawmakers are helping you opt out of things like science. I’m sure they will be so happy that their lawmakers are spending time writing amendments that are already protected by our federal constitution and adding unnecessary opt-outs of public school curriculum. I’m sure you and your parents will be thrilled lawmakers could have been doing things like creating jobs, attracting new business to MO and helping farmers, but instead they are working on awesome amendments like this.

Be sure to tell your parents to call their MO Lawmakers and tell them to vote for the MO right to pray amendment coming up. Your ability to opt out of science depends on it.

Movie shooting – gun control is wrong national debate

I woke up this morning and checked my iPhone. Breaking News – shooting.

Now where?

How many?

Who’s the guy?

I seem to ask this question way too much these days. So much so that my questions are in standard order: where, how many dead and how old is the boy? I couldn’t turn my television on so I followed the updates on Twitter. I went along my morning pretending like this didn’t happen. I have a 5 year old and I want to shield her from news like this as much as possible.

When I did finally tune in, the media was answering my questions: Aurora, 12 dead and 24 year old James Holmes.

Already the debate picked up right where where the last tragedy left off – gun control, assault weapons and conceal and carry where on everyone’s lips as I listened to my favorite radio hosts. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older or maybe it’s just because we have experienced this horror way too many times, but I really feel like the gun control argument isn’t going anywhere and is no longer the right national dialogue.

The harsh reality is that our Constitution has the right to bear arms. The politics are too great and the political casualties have proven to be too severe to continue with our gun control debate. My liberalness wants me to believe that gun control is the answer. The reality is we have a bigger problem to tackle in the nation that is more complex than gun control-it’s the mental health of our citizens.

Nobody really wants to deal with mental health problems in our society. The media is going through the criminal record of the shooter – only a traffic ticket and no other signs. I am waiting to hear about his mental health history. I keep hearing, “loner”, “kept to himself” and “no one really knew him”. All too often these are the same descriptions of each shooter that keeps coming up.

We have big mental health problems as a society. What’s the matter with our citizens that they go homicidal so frequently? What’s broken in our mental health safety net that we as a nation can’t identify our mental ill and get them help before innocent people die?

Mental health isn’t as easy as the gun debate, because we can’t physically see it and touch it like our guns. It’s not an item, it’s a person. It’s a feeling instead of a possession. This is a debate this nation isn’t having. I feel like our crisis in this nation is to a level where we can’t ignore this problem, like we’ve ignored our “loners” any longer. It’s time as a nation to come together to ask the tough questions – how do we identify, help and monitor our mentally ill? Let’s stop debating the easy debate about gun control and really take a tough look at something that isn’t so easy – our nation’s mentally disturbed.

Politicians – this is a direct ask that you, along with our nation’s best in mental health medicine, do something. Come up with a plan to get these people assistance before more innocent people die. As a society, we need you now to reform our mental health system in America. This isn’t political. It isn’t polarizing. Mental illness is a crisis in this nation and needs your attention now.

Families who have lost loved ones, I am so sorry. We can debate Constitutional amendments all day, but today too many Americans lost their basic right – the right to life. For all those left alive, I hope you and your families may someday heal from this trauma.



God says heat wave continues until gays allowed in Boy Scouts

I’m in middle America and it’s freaking hot. 102, 105 and even 107 is expected. No rain.

I am a menopausal woman in the middle of an oppressive drought and heatwave. My internal body temperature averages 120 degrees. I have a theory that if my internal body temperature ever meets the external air temperature I will actually melt. (Associations to the Wicked Witch reference can be made now.) If this happens and I’m standing on your dying lawn consider it a gift of a free watering. If it happens in a parking lot you could possibly get a free car wash. Have your soap ready. I may be your only source for any moisture in the area for a long time.

I am concerned about this very real possibility of my melting so I went searching for answers to the heat wave. My first stop was to our local weather blog:

I scrolled right down to the comments section looking for answers. I just happened to be watching the Real Housewives of the OC Reunion Part 2 at the same time. A fight that only Andy Cohen could have hosted erupted on the weather site comment section:

TushguyKC: you said it was going to be 102 degrees! It’s 105 degrees! Damn you Mr. Weatherman

Angryfarmer: Our entire nation’s food supply is at risk because you forecasted 101 degrees and it is 103 degrees! Damn you to hell Mr. Weatherman.

Ok, so maybe it didn’t read exactly like that, but you get my drift. There were so many comments screaming about the heat and I’m watching the RHOC so I can’t tell where one stopped and the other began. I’m just going to blame Brooks and Vicki for the heat wave in Kansas City.

So then I looked to the heavens for answers. Please God, give me an answer to help me understand why you would make a menopausal gal suffer in such an oppressive heatwave. I would understand this if I were enjoying my retirement playing Mah Jongg in Phoenix. but I’m here in the Midwest and it is WAY TOO HOT! Just at that time, I happened to look down at my iPhone that was open to a news app.

Headline: “Boy Scouts uphold longtime ban on gays.”

It’s the Boy Scouts. The Boy Scouts are doing this to me. It is my sign from God. Preachers get signs from God all the time. Why would God just limit signs to preachers and not be able to send one to a menopausal gal from the Midwest on her iPhone with a news app?

A local Eagle Scout was kicked out of the Boy Scouts after disclosing his sexuality.

The Boy Scouts did a two year study to decide if they should uphold the ban.

A two year study? Seriously? Our military has decided that it’s time to stop with Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and these are soldiers that live in tight quarters under extreme conditions, but you tell me that an organization that ties knots and has badges for helping old people cross the street has to examine a question like this for two years? Now I don’t know what the two year study actually included, but in my mind a questionnaire went out to Scout Leaders reading like this:

Question 1: How does homosexuality make you feel?

a. Super, duper creepy.

b. Kinda super, duper creepy.

c. No problem with it. It’s 2012 and homosexuality is a non-issue.

d. Like I want to be the grand marshal of the gay pride parade!!

Scoring: answers a, b & c mean the ban is upheld

A statement from the National Executive Committee said this,

“Scouting believes that good people can personally disagree on this topic and still work together to achieve the life-changing benefits to youth through Scouting. While not all Board members may personally agree with this policy, and may choose a different direction for their own organizations, BSA leadership agrees this is the best policy for the organization and supports it for the BSA.”

My message from God to the Boy Scouts via me:
Stop the ban on homosexuality. It’s 2012 and you are talking about an organization for boys where a child does not knowingly enter the Scouts with any understanding of their sexuality – either homo or hetero. It’s not like a country club that doesn’t allow Jews and I would join using my gentile last name to get in anyway and knowingly put myself in a situation to face discrimination. (Not that I would do that, even if they do have a great pool and golf course)
God says that unless you are going to start offering badges for kissing girls, dating girls or judging Playboy centerfolds, a ban on homosexuality is unnecessary and hurtful in a time when kids are killing themselves because of the hatred they experience as homosexuals.
Oh and God also said that Andy Cohen is looking fab these days and we should be new BFFs. Andy – call me.
It’s now on you Boy Scouts. Stop the heat wave. Do the right thing. My life depends on it. Toss your two year study (don’t burn it, there is a burn ban because of the drought) and tell kids in America that sexuality has nothing to do with scouting.

Bain is Mitt’s pain in the you know what.

The new Obama campaign ad is out against Romney and all I can say is, “OUCH”!

The ad is simple, the song is haunting and the tags on the images are damning.  Over half a million views so far on Youtube.

Bravo Obama Campaign.  You’ve got the one two punch on this one.  Off shore bank accounts!  Jobs sent overseas!  Was Romney there?  Was he not there?  Was he with the Olympics and their Chinese-made uniforms?  Or worse, was he sewing Chinese-made Olympic uniforms?

Strike that last part, I’m mixing my sensational stories.

I think you get my drift.

My 5 year old is playing, “I like to move it.” right now on my iPhone and I feel like this could be a great song to capture his response.  Romney:  I was there.  I wasn’t there.  I was kind of there.  I phoned it in.  I was figuratively there, but not really.  I was a CNN hologram during my time at Bain.  I think you get my drift.

Most of the national analysis has been about if Romney’s decisions at Bain Capital would make him a good President. Can someone who sent jobs overseas be a good US President?

Wrong question folks.  Do we want a President with so little confidence?

Romney could so easily get out of this by saying that sending jobs overseas may not have been good for America, but it was the right decision by the business.  Loads of American corporations send businesses overseas.  (hang on a sec, my iPhone made in China is ringing).

Same thing goes with offshore bank accounts.  That’s the reality of the super rich people.  Did Romney fly himself to these beautiful beach locations with his millions and open these accounts personally?  I’m going to say no.  Again, lots of people do it.  Doesn’t make it right.  Doesn’t make me love it, but it does happen.

A confident President that is a good leader would respond something like this:

Jobs were sent overseas during my time at Bain Capital.  At the time, we made the best decisions possible for our business.  I would have loved to keep the jobs on American soil.  My decisions were not unique.  Many great American corporations send jobs overseas.  That said, being President I understand exactly what needs to be improved in our nation’s workforce, on our manufacturing lines and in our nation’s schools to bring jobs like these back to America.  American corporations would love the combination of maximized profit and American jobs.   Let me take that knowledge to Washington so we can make this country number one again.  Let me be the first , “American President and CEO”. (insert applause – I love my Presidential speech fantasies)

Romney is not doing that.  Instead he is going to debate exact dates of his whereabouts.  Debate away Romney.  You will never win a game like that in an age of technology like ours.  Media always finds out and it never is in favor of the one doing the explaining.

And this is why Romney won’t win in November.  Confidence as a businessman probably told Romney to send the jobs overseas.  Lack of confidence in the role of President has him defending the dates of his employment like it’s a LinedIn Profile.

Score another one for the Obama Camp.

My post today in the Kansas City Star

I wrote this today for the Kansas City Star about the symbolic vote yesterday on the Affordable Care Act:


My $3.00 for Obama or a Snickers?

Dear Kelly:

I am a loyal, voting Democrat and you have my vote in November. I didn’t think this would actually happen, but you guys are wearing me out. I am so close to unsubscribing that I can’t even believe it! How many emails can I get to donate $3.00? I am very educated (see below), exhausted and working my ass off.

If you could take all this time you spend emailing me, reinvest that salary into the campaign, you probably wouldn’t need my $3.00.

I love a good email campaign… hell I’m a marketing director for God sake, but this is getting ridiculous! I probably get at least 3 emails a day from you, Michelle, Barack himself and others telling me how important my $3.00 is.

Seriously? I’m trying to make my own measly, middle class living. Right now I’m worried about how I’m going to pay for my prescriptions that I need to go pick up for about $100, put gas in my Honda for at least $60 and pay my grocery bill. I have $62.32 in my checking account, owe about $5300 in credit cards, owe my divorce attorney about $2500, my rent is due at $1000, my electric bill is due at $82.00. Oh and I don’t get paid until Friday. My paycheck will not cover my expenses at this point so in true American spirit, I’m living on credit right now until I can get my head above water.

My message is STOP emailing me for $3.00 in what seems like every other hour. I would like to spend my $3.00 right now on a diet soda and a candy bar so I can continue to work my ass off to pay my debt, put gas in my car and get my prescriptions that I desperately need.

Give Hollywood or your other wealthy donors a call right now. I love ya and you have my vote in November, but my $3.00 is much better spent on me right now.

Can some rich Hollywood somebody please donate $3.00 in my honor so I can stop getting these emails? I would really appreciate it. Right now I’m deciding on Snickers or Milky Way.

On Mon, Jul 9, 2012 at 2:30 PM, Kelly Ward <;>; wrote:

Aimee –

We’re getting our first reports in about Mitt Romney’s high-priced fundraiser with one of the Koch brothers yesterday.

This is what one donor had to say about Democrats:

“I don’t think the common person is getting it… they don’t understand what’s going on.

I just think if you’re lower income — one, you’re not as educated, two, they don’t understand how it works.”

This is the kind of thinking that we’re up against in this election.

If you don’t think our country should be run by people who think you need a yacht for your opinion to count, then now’s the time to show it:

Please donate $3 or more right now to beat out-of-touch Republicans >;>;

Thank you,


Kelly Ward
DCCC Political Director


Insomnia and the Presbyterian Church

I can’t sleep.  It’s 4 a.m. and I’m awake.  What does that have to do with the Presbyterian Church?  Stay with me here.  I checked headlines on Huffington Post.  An interesting story caught my eye about the Presbyterian Church.  Religious news doesn’t usually interest me, but this story jumped off the page, because the main person quoted is from Kansas City.

Quick story summary:  The Presbyterian Church is having their annual conference and one of the voting items on the table is a divestment of their money to companies that help Israel in the Israel-Palestinian conflict.  Companies like Caterpillar, Motorolla Solutions and Hewlett-Packard were all on the chopping block.


 “The Rev. Brian Ellison, a Kansas City, Mo., Presbyterian pastor and chair of the church’s Mission Responsibility Through Investment Committee, said an interview that he was disappointed in the vote.

“It’s hard to know how best to move forward in our engagement with companies doing business in the region, but I respect the wisdom of the assembly,” said Ellison.


Spoiler Alert: If you didn’t get it from the quote above,  the assembly voted down the disinvestment by a narrow margin.

I started thinking about the business side of things when it comes to the Church.  How do Churches decide how to invest?  I am impressed that the church has a policy about investment around military, tobacco and human rights violations.  Being Jewish, I’m not so thrilled that they were considering divestment in companies they believe assist Israel in the conflict.  Peace in that region is a long and complicated issue, but the Presbyterian Church has a right to invest their money wherever they want to.  That’s the American, capitalism side of me coming out (settle down GOP).

So that had me thinking, where does the Presbyterian Church invest their money?  I did a little google search to find out.  I found the 2011 Annual Report.  I am NOT a financial expert.  If I attached my own 401K, this would be obvious.  I once bought stock in a retailer based on this expert analysis, “they have really cute clothes.” I think you can guess how that ended up.  Let’s just say I’m not writing my blog from my summer home in Boca, I’m in my living room of my two bedroom apartment.

Anyhoo…the long list of Presbyterian investments was making my brain hurt and a really good remedy for insomnia.  Some interesting things to note:

Apple – I love my iPhone, but not such a great choice if human rights violations is at the top of the social responsibility investment list.

Exxon Mobile – Glad environmental violations aren’t at the top of the social responsibility list.

Halliburton-  Now where does that company ring a bell…Oh yeah, the Bush administration.  Dick Cheney is probably sleeping very soundly from his summer home paid for by Halliburton money.

Nordstroms – Nice choice!  Great shoe department!

Walmart – Wait a minute. Walmart?  If I was picking a company to invest in that was “socially responsible”, Walmart wouldn’t be it. I don’t think I have to list out all of the reason why they would be crowned top of the human rights violations list from the way they pick their suppliers.  I believe the term, “guilty by association” comes to mind.  Just turn on CNBC on any day of the week and there is usually some documentary talking about their questionable procurement practices.

Here is a link to the annual report:

I think the big thing I learned is during my insomnia episode is HOLY MONEY!  The Presbyterian Church has tons of moolah.  This whole exercise in investigative journalism has left me with more questions than I started with.  Why is the Israeli-Palistinian conflict worse than Chinese Communism and human rights violations?  Why is Caterpillar worse than Halliburton? Can a church justify investment in a company that doesn’t have stellar social ethics if they turn around and reinvest in helping the world?

But hey, I’m just a liberal gal who doesn’t recycle.  Then again, I don’t have a published social responsibility investment statement that people can Google.  That is one thing I won’t be writing up anytime soon!  I’ll keep to my current investment strategy…who has the cutest clothes.



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