Clint Eastwood line 1 – it’s the Founding Fathers

Dear Mr. Eastwood,

First, well done last night at the RNC!  You really told President Obama, I mean the empty chair, that was symbolic of President Obama.

I also thought the messy hair was a nice touch to emphasize the mean guy message playing hardball with American politics.

Let’s just take a second to review my favorite part of your speech where you really gave it to President Obama:

“See, I never thought it was a good idea for attorneys to the president, anyway.”

(APPLAUSE)

“I think attorneys are so busy — you know they’re always taught to argue everything, and always weight everything — weigh both sides. They are always devil’s advocating this and bifurcating this and bifurcating that. You know all that stuff.

But, I think it is maybe time — what do you think — for maybe a businessman. How about that?”  Clint Eastwood, RNC 2012

(APPLAUSE)

You really told President Obama!  Lawyers for Presidents suck!  Let’s take a look at the other Presidents who were also  lawyers and see how bad they sucked just to further prove your point:

John Adams

Thomas Jefferson

James Madison

James Monroe

John Quincy Adams

Martin Van Buren

John Tyler

James Polk

Millard Fillmore

Franklin Pierce

James Buchanan

Abraham Lincoln

Rutherford B. Hayes

Chester Arthur

Grover Cleveland

Benjamin Harrison

William McKinley

William Howard Taft

Woodrow Wilson

Franklin Roosevelt

Richard Nixon

Gerald Ford

William Jefferson Clinton

Barack Obama

Yep. Mr. Eastwood, I agree.  When I look over this long list I can only just review it in amazement.  A long list of Presidents who were once lawyers who just stunk up the county.  None of them did much of anything memorable.  Thomas Jefferson…can’t think of anything.  Abraham Lincoln….nope…nothing comes to mind.

I think you and the GOP are correct.  Elect a businessman.   I wouldn’t elect anyone like Thomas Jefferson or Abraham Lincoln.  Lawyers can’t be trusted to do anything right by the White House.  History shows us this,you pointed it out and the GOP applauded in agreement.

Yours in historical studies,

Aimee

 

 

 

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Amelia’s (age 6) top 10 list of what makes a good President.

My daughter, Amelia, wanted to write a post in my blog. So keeping with the theme of politics, she came up with this list of what makes a good President.

  1. A good president of the United States should tell us the laws.
  2. No stealing.
  3. No eating bad popcorn.
  4. Don’t leave your cat, dog or hamster in a very hot car.
  5. No killing animals.
  6. A President should tell us to pick up toys and glass and pick up sharp things like a knife or sword.
  7. Be nice to other people and say sorry if you hit them.
  8. Behave with other countries.
  9. A President should talk on the news.
  10. If you don’t get along with people you need to go to time out.

(Hunters can eat bad popcorn because they kill animals.)

RNC speakers and quotes from parents…what would I use?

Last night was Paul Ryan’s night.

Paul, Sky Blue Tie, Ryan.

Have I ever mentioned that sky blue is my favorite color?  I fully believe that the Republicans knew that and purposefully had him wear a sky blue tie to seduce me to vote Republican.  It almost worked!  Granted I had to snap out of my trance and Google the speech after the fact to fill myself in on what I missed.  I admit, I’m that easy sometimes…with voting!

So glad I did and now I’m back to voting Democrat.  Whew…that was close!

Reviewing Ryan’s speech after I came out of my sky blue tie trance, I came across this quote from Ryan, “My dad used to say to me: ‘Son, you have a choice. You can be part of the problem, or you can be part of the solution.”

I recall the night before Chris Christie spoke about what his mother taught him. “The greatest lesson Mom ever taught me, though, was this one: she told me there would be times in your life when you have to choose between being loved and being respected. She said to always pick being respected, that love without respect was always fleeting — but that respect could grow into real, lasting love.”

Read more: http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0812/80347.html#ixzz251MllYdx

This had me thinking.  If I was giving my speech at a political convention, what nugget of advice from my parent or grandparent would be the backbone of my speech about character and greatness?

So I started to think….

“Stand-up straight!” My mom said this almost daily.  This wasn’t about standing up for values, this was really because I slouched my shoulders all the time.  She did that thing where she ran her fingers down my back.  I could probably leave that part out and use it in a speech about standing up straight for values.  It could be our secret about her true meaning.

“Boys will say anything to get in your pants.  Don’t believe them.” My Dad said this when I was a teenager.   This one would be harder work into a political convention speech.  Maybe I could say something like, the government is trying to get into your pants and we are going to stop them.  Oh heck, I guess I could lean on the speech writers to come up with some gem.

“Don’t ever wear a watch. It’s a good excuse to ask boys what time it is.” My grandmother when I was about 13.  We could spin this one to say government can’t be bothered to watch every second when it comes to taking the time to work on our problems.  It’s a stretch, but hey not everyone has the brilliant soundbites that Ryan and Christie seem to have.

“Don’t EVER say the word seven at a craps table.”  This one has served me well over the years.  I don’t think it will ever work for a political speech, but if you are reading this, trust me, my dad is the best craps player I know.  Just jot that one down for future use.

No wait! This one will work: “You know we have a lot of funny notions born inside of us, Half-Pint. The funniest is that we’re supposed to hide the way we feel about people. Let me tell you, everybody wants to know that they are loved, or needed, or cared about. Anybody who doesn’t want to know that has something wrong with them.”  Charles Ingalls

Ok, ok so it’s from Pa Ingalls from Little House on the Prairie.  If I take the Half-Pint out, no one would really know.

Now that I’m raising a child and her path may lead her up on the stage accepting her nomination for President, I better step my game up.  I need to come up with some amazing quotes so that when she is thinking about her acceptance speech she can quote me.  It better be something better then what I told her yesterday: “yes I’ll get you more ketchup for your chicken nuggets.” That’s probably not going to inspire a nation.

Oy, the pressure!

 

 

Junior Republicans at RNC – you must read this!

Psst…Junior Republicans.  Pay attention and read this.  I know, I’m probably interrupting some important RNC speech right now, but I’ll be brief.  I know you aren’t paying attention anyway.

We’ve got a little problem here young people.  See I’ve been watching the Republican National Convention.  I’ve seen a lot of Junior Republicans in the audience.  I’m not sure what your motivation in attending the conference is.  Maybe you thought there would be a lot of hard partying and maybe even a little late night skinny dipping after hearing about Congressman Yoder over in Israel.  Well, the conference just started and you never know.

Here’s a secret.  In all of the speeches by the GOP heavy-hitters, they are always going to talk about two things:  getting back to the American Dream and securing our future for younger Americans.  The headliners are always going to bash Obama for letting down future generations due to state of our economy, social security, Medicare, our national security, foreign affairs, dogs hating cats, (insert any and all other issues).

HINT: The camera will ALWAYS focus on a young person in the audience for effect.

So far every young person the camera has gone to in the audience has NOT been paying attention to the speaker.  They have been chatting with their friends, looking around, basically doing anything, but paying attention to the speaker.

I get it.  I can barely pay attention and I’m in the comfort of my own home and I’m multitasking.  I understand that the speakers are dry (except Ann – you rocked it Ann), the topics are the same and then there is that crazy wavy blue background that has my ADD all flared up.  The difference is there is NO possibility that my image will be flashed on national television.

Look alive young people!  The Republicans need you and your pretend enthusiasm!  You can get to the heavy drinking and potential skinny dipping after the speeches.  Right now, sit up straight, button up that Brooks Brothers blazer or knit sweater set and  nod in agreement every time they say “younger generations”, “young people”, “future generation” or anything else that you think may be a reference to Generation Y.  Assume your picture will be flashed all over televisions across America.

Trust me…it probably will.

Older GOP…Thank you notes can be sent via my twitter feed:  @aimeepatton11

You’re welcome,

Aimee

A sincere apology to Todd Akin

Dear Todd Akin,

I apologize for my last post claiming that you said homosexuality could be cured by drinking breast milk.  Turns out someone who loves satire was actually tricked by satire.  See, it’s so hard these days to tell what is real and what isn’t real when it comes from Christian Conservatives.

When you said that women could actually wish pregnancy away if they were “legitimately raped”, I actually thought that was a joke, until I realized you were serious.  When I read today a claim that you said that homosexuality could be cured by men drinking breast milk, well, I thought that had to be real as well.

In this political landscape it is so difficult to tell fact from fiction.  The claims seem to get more and more wild.  Please accept my apology for claiming that you would even consider that homosexuality could be cured from drinking breast milk.  Please accept my apology for my follow up piece that homosexuality could also be cured from touching Tinkerbell’s wings, swimming with mermaids and riding unicorns.  

Just like I’m sure you don’t believe that women can actually wish pregnancy away, we all know that homosexuality can’t be “cured” and nobody wishes it should be.  We are all God’s children and should leave the judging to God.

God bless you Congressman Akin and yes, my $3.00 is in the mail.

Your’s in satire,

Aimee

 

Todd Akin and women’s breasts..milk that is!

The politicians are after me for campaign contributions. Email after email.  Tweet after tweet.  Just $3.00 is all they need and it will be victory in November.   Obama has been after me for a while for my $3.00.  The latest…Todd Akin also for $3.00.  I feel like John Cusack or Lane from Better off Dead when the paperboy comes after him for $2.00.

 

Ah…inflation.  If this movie was made in 2012, it would be $3.00 for the paper!

Todd Akin, you need a bit more than my $3.00 to win in November.

The Republicans all talk about signs from God.  God told Rick Perry to run for President.  Michele Bauchmann said Isaac is a spiritual sign from God.

“We’re quite literally looking at a hurricane here in Florida,” she told a Tampa rally ahead of the Republican National Convention. “We’re looking at a political hurricane in this country. We are looking at a spiritual hurricane in our land. And it is time for each one of us to show up and suit up and stand up and realize that in this time and in this day we pour it out for Him,” CNN

I also believe in God and I believe we, the American people, have been given a gift from God.  Todd Akin, you sir our the Democrats gift from God.  It wasn’t enough for you to go on record trying to justify some types of rapes as “legitimate” that caused our nation to erupt into a firestorm the likes of which almost caused the Republicans to crumble into the fetal position.

The latest is this from Todd Akin in an interview with the Daily Currant, “female breastmilk – when fed directly to an adult homosexual male daily for at least four weeks – has a 94% chance of permanently curing homosexual perversions.”

This is why I believe you are a gift from God.  You are staying in the race against Clare McCaskill.  You are embarrassing the Republican party in a critical time in the election cycle.  This is my sign from God.  The Republicans moved so far to the right on their platform.  They continue to alienate the moderates.  There is terrible infighting in the Republican party.  Now, we have been given Todd Akin.  Isaac isn’t the only one overshadowing the Republican convention.

My message to God:

God,

Thank you for your gift of Todd Akin.  We, Democrats, will use it wisely.  We will remind the American people that we are the party of inclusion.  The Democrats will remind people that you are welcome to worship as you choose.  All faiths are welcome in the Democratic party.  Heterosexuality and homosexuality are both welcome by the Democrats.  Judgement is reserved only for you God. Breast milk is a wonderful thing, but should only be used to nourish babies.  For that we thank you God.  We, the Democrats, also appreciate your gift of knowledge and science.  Please God, keep Todd Akin in the race.  I promise to send him my $3.00 today God.  I only do so to support comedy.  Thank you for the gift of laughter and Todd Akin!  Oh and a quick thank you for Michele Bachmann as well.

Amen,

Aimee

What do you think readers?  Do you think Todd Akin is a gift from God?

 

Unofficial Breakout Sessions for the RNC

It turns out there have been a list of breakout sessions added to the Republican National Convention.  Even though the convention is packed full with such hot names like Mike Huckabee, Jeb Bush and Chris Christie.  If you have time to pull yourself away from the main stage, you may want to check out these breakout sessions.

1A  9:30 – 10:00 a.m.

Topic:  Signs from God

Speaker:  God

Summary

Are you overwhelmed from so many signs from God that it is hard to tell what is and what isn’t a sign from God these days?  We will use Todd Akin as our prime example.  His sign from God is he stays in the race.  Everyone hating his comments is a sign he should go.  Which is it?  God will tell us himself.  The suspense is killing us!  Come to this half an hour session on how to tell when you are really getting a message from the big guy upstairs and when it’s just nothing.  Use this as a sign and come to this session.

 

2A  9:00-10:00 a.m.

Topic: Campaign commercials

Speaker:  Kirk Cameron

Summary

Can’t seem to film the campaign commercial that sticks with your voters?  Need help coming across more ?authentic” in your TV commercials?  Film and television veteran Kirk Cameron will join us and help you with:

  • Leaning against a farm fence with one knee up.
  • Sitting down to a family picnic under an oak tree.
  • Gathering the grandchildren up on your lap as you read them a book.
  • Putting your arm around your wife for the last camera pose.
  • How to say, “I’m (insert name) and I approve this message.”

You will have people believing in no time that you are really farming the land every day and that your life in Washington is something you can only tolerate until you can be back out there on your acreage plowing the God-given land on your John Deer.

3A  9:30-10:00 a.m.

Topic:  Walking on water

Speaker:  Kevin Yoder

Summary

Come out poolside and see if you really are a gift from God.  Join Congressman Kevin Yoder as you strip down to what God originally gave you and see if you can walk on water.  Those who can’t prepare to get a little wet.  Bring a towel.  No cameras please.

Afternoon Sessions

1B  1:00-2:00 p.m.

Topic: Balancing the Budget Extreme Couponing Style

Speaker:  The Extreme Coupon Ladies

Summary

Come see the ladies from Extreme Couponing and find out how they manage their household on cat food, Hot Pockets and tissues.  Take the lessons they have learned and apply them to your state and federal programs.  Every lawmaker will receive a 3-ring binder, laminated sheets and a calculator!

 

2B  1:30-2:00 p.m.

Topic:  Christianity:  American Jews and Muslims really are just Christians

Summary

In order for prayer to be accepted in all areas of our government, we need to start by accepted that Jesus Christ is God.  Jews and Muslims believe in God, therefore, everyone is really Christian!  Join us as we explore this further and understand that inside we really are all the same, meaning we really are all Christian.  Trust us when we say it makes total sense to us!

3B 2:30-close

Founding Fathers Party

Get your party on!  Since we reference the Founding Fathers so much in justifying what we do, come dressed as your favorite one.  (I know we all look like John Adams, but everyone can’t all come dressed like him.  Mix it up people!)

 

 

 

WWSD? What would Snooki do?

Ok moms across the United States.  You have been given a gift today.  All of us can collectively rejoice in this gift.  Lorenzo Dominic LaValle was born last night to Snooki!  Mom and little Enzo are healthy.

Why is this a gift to all moms and not just to Snooki and her fiance Jionni?

I’m not going to go off on some “it takes a village” blog about how we are all in this to raise little Enzo to be the man he was destined to be blog post.  Screw that.  Miss Snook is on her own as far as I’m concerned.  

Someone once said this about success:  “Success is like being pregnant, everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you were fucked before you got there.” 

Ah yes, deep thoughts.    Now a mom, Snooki gets to join the largest sorority on the planet…motherhood.

Why are we rejoicing?  If there is one thing we mothers do and do so well, it is compare ourselves to other mothers.  I often read about the importance of female friendship.  Yes, female friendship is important.  One of the main points of female friendship is so we can keep tabs on our girlfriends and make sure that they aren’t doing something to/for their children that we aren’t.  

“Oh so tell me more about how you are making the finest in gourmet baby food by hand.  You’re not even using a blender?  You are afraid of what the blades might do to little Johnny’s insides if any amount of microscopic rust builds up.  Well, let me tell you, I just planted a fruit crop out back so we can harvest our own fruit juices this fall.” 

My little darling just started kindergarten and our day to bring snacks has me up nights. It’s not that I’m worried about what the kids will eat, it’s that I’m HORRIFIED about what the kids will go home and tell their moms about what I served.

Do I bring organic?  Are raisins just masking as tiny sugar bombs?  To juice or not to juice?  Who has a milk intolerance?  Are goldfish the devil’s food?  Animal cracks aren’t really made from animals and they aren’t crackers. What the hell?  They are just little cookies.  What will the parents think if I serve cookies to a bunch of 6 year-olds?   Cheese is good.  Processed cheese is bad.  I can’t afford to bring brie and apples to a whole kindergarten class.  Also, that is a little bit of a rich snack, but wait a minute this is a rich, suburban school so is that ok?  Is it hot in here all of a sudden?  Sweet Jesus somebody help me! I can’t take the pressure from snack day!

Happy place…going back to my happy place.  Deep, cleansing breaths.

I belonged to one of those mommy groups when my daughter was a baby.  Every time I went to a neighbors house, all I did was compare notes.  

“They had a service come in and baby proof the house.  We didn’t have a service baby proof our house.  I’m such a terrible mother!”  I quit the mom group.

Back to Snooki and why this good for all moms.  The bar has been lowered ladies!  I’ve seen this girl pee in weird and inappropriate places on television.  Now she is a mom.  We can turn all of our attention to her and her little bundle of joy.  We can compare ourselves to her.  Snack day is suddenly no problem.  You don’t like what I’m sending for snack?  Too bad, Snooki is a mom.  I’m just going to start saying to myself, WWSD?  What would Snooki do? Considering her main focus in life has been tanning, drinking and “smushing”.  Adjusting to a baby is going to be a pretty big adjustment.  

It just made me feel a little better about myself and my parenting.  So what if my daughter eats breakfast for dinner some nights.  So what if she makes it to school without always brushing her hair.  Get over it if everything my kid eats isn’t always organic. Oh, ok full disclosure – it’s rarely organic.   Snooki is a mom and my world just got a little brighter.

2012 public schools competing in a global economy

Tonight was back-to-school night.  My little darling just started Kindergarten so I’m new to the whole elementary school experience.   My only reference is my own kindergarten experience in Mrs. Davies class circa 1978 *cough*.

Many things have changed since the 1970s, but one thing that hasn’t are the size of the chairs.  I managed to get myself in the unnatural position of sitting in my daughter’s munchkin sized chair and my knees still haven’t forgiven me.  As I assumed my position, the PowerPoint started.  No PowerPoint in Mrs. Davies 1978 class.

Then my daughter’s teacher starting running down the list of kindergarten core competencies.

Wait a minute…where do they paint?  Gluing happens where?  Did she just say “core competencies”?

Did I mention I can’t spell kindergarten without the help of spell check?

Core competencies for kindergarten?  I don’t have core competencies for work.

It was mentioned that they were prepping her to be competitive in the “global economy”.  The global economy (snap)!  I just wanted her to cut in a straight line, share her toys and start reading.  Who says our public schools are failing?  My kid has core competencies and is getting ready to compete in the “global economy”.  Forget learning to count to 10 and coloring within the lines.

Tomorrow’s kindergarten agenda?  After recess they are probably going to brainstorm their academic mission statements.  Then maybe they nap.  Of course, it will be a power nap.  Me…I’m going to draw something for my job. I’m a product of my 1970′s kindergarten class.  It’s amazing I can even type this.  Rock on 2012 public schools.

 

Message to Todd Akin from God

This just in.  God sent me a message to deliver to Akin.  God heard your prayers about staying in the race for Senate.  In fact he, no I’m sorry, she said enough already with the praying.  She got your message…all of your messages.  

She wants me to tell you that she is proud of you for standing up and apologizing for saying that any form of rape is legitimate.  She knows you messed up and didn’t mean that.  Nobody in their right mind would say that rape of any sort would be legitimate.

God is still angry.  See you left out a key part that you didn’t apologize for.  You didn’t apologize for implying that women can just will a pregnancy from happening.  In the controversial statement, you seemed to imply that if women didn’t want to get pregnant, we could just think it away and it wouldn’t happen.  God said she spent countless hours designing our amazing female reproductive system and to imply that our system could be circumvented by a few strong thoughts is crazy.

Since you are looking to God so heavily to decide if you are staying in this race or not, I thought I should give you some direct feedback from upstairs.  Just a little FYI, God also doesn’t agree with your position on the morning-after pill either.  See the morning-after pill is not the abortion pill.  She says she wouldn’t have given doctors the ability to come up with this technology if she didn’t want people in our society to be able to better regulate their fertility.  She wanted me to remind you that the morning-after pill changes the lining of the uterus so that an egg will be less likely to implant into the walls of the uterus.  It is not the abortion pill like many people believe.  She said for you to be against the morning-after pill is just plain wrong. If you are against the morning-after pill you are against birth control. She wanted me to remind women that if you stay in the race, this alone could hurt your chances with voters, because of your extremist views on birth control. 

God also thought Piers Morgan’s empty seat last night on his show representing you was pretty funny.  God has a wicked sense of humor.

Anyway, Rep. Akin, your prayers are coming through loud and clear.  Consider adding to your apology.  God and American women are listening.

Thanks,

God via Aimee

 

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