Guns and Ammo Magazine and I have something in common.

The editor of Guns and Ammo and I have something in common.

Trust shocked the hell out of me.

Dick Metcalf, editor of Guns and Ammo, or should I now say FORMER, editor of Guns and Ammo, wrote an article about gun control. Now, Mr. Metcalf is out of a job.  What did he write that was so outrageous?

  • He must have written that the government should confiscate all of the semi-automatic guns that have been so popular in all of these recent mass shootings.
  • He must have written that the government must outlaw the manufacturing and importing of all semi-automatic weapons in the United States.
  • He must have written that anyone with a child under the age of 18 years old is no longer able to keep a loaded gun in their homes.

I read his article.  He didn’t write any of these things.  In fact he simply asked the question- can the 2nd amendment be regulated and when does regulation become an infringement?   You can read his article here.  

“I firmly believe that all U.S. citizens have a right to keep and bear arms, but I do not believe that they have a right to use them irresponsibly. And I do believe their fellow citizens, by the specific language of the Second Amendment, have an equal right to enact regulatory laws requiring them to undergo adequate training and preparation for the responsibility bearing arms.” Dick Metcalf

The response by Guns and Ammo was swift.  Mr. Metcalf lost his job over this radical stance and Guns and Ammo put out this apology to their readers who demanded an action and began boycotting the magazine.

From the apology:

“Our commitment to the Second Amendment is unwavering. It has been so since the beginning. Historically, our tradition in supporting the Second Amendment has been unflinching. No strings attached.”

Read more:

This all or nothing attitude on both sides of the gun control debate can’t continue.  Mr. Metcalf’s arguments were logical and mild compare to the ones I posed at the beginning of my blog.  Where are we as a nation when we can’t even pose the question without boycotts and firings? Is it possible to be pro-2nd amendment and still be for regulation?  Will tactics like the firing of Mr. Metcalf force like-minded people into the shadows causing this argument to become even more polarizing?

How many more innocent people are going to have to die while we hide our heads under the security blanket that is the 2nd amendment and pretend like these things aren’t happening?

The good thing to come out of all of this is I now have a new hero and in the most unlikely of places – the former editor of a Guns and Ammo magazine.

For what it’s worth – well done Mr. Metcalf.

*When I went to the Guns and Ammo facebook page, I got the message Failure to Load.  I just thought that was funny.  Get it guns and failure to load.. he he he


I received this comment and I wanted to share it.  I know you can probably read it in the comment section, but I thought it was so good that I wanted to put it in the actual post.  I love comments like this that contribute to healthy dialog.  Enjoy – Aimee

“This all or nothing attitude on both sides of the gun control debate can’t continue.”

Whether it can continue, or how long it will continue I don’t know, but you have identified a huge issue.

I don’t think a lot of gun owners would oppose some laws if they had one iota of trust that the other side did not have an agenda to basically take all their guns. But for most of my lifetime the other side, for convenience let’s call them the anti-gun side, have demonstrated repeatedly that is their agenda.

They will say, “We only want reasonable laws,” but then what they think is reasonable seems totally unreasonable to a lot of folks, for example, largely banning semi-auto firearms and magazines with any capacity much greater than a muzzleloader (slight sarcasm here).

So maybe the anti-gun side needs to compromise? Maybe they need to get behind passing laws that absolutely 100% guarantee a right for a law abiding, non-dangerously-crazy person to own certain types of guns (maybe what is legal today). Make it iron clad and make every regulation respect that right then you might get some cooperation.

That is in part why I wrote a while back an article on how universal background checks could be done, and maybe even get a lot of support of gun owners.

Universal Background Checks

If you want the cooperation of many gunowners then the anti-gun folks have to totally give up the idea of banning a lot of guns and accept that people are going to own AR-15s with 30 round magazines and Glocks with 15+ round magazines. Then if you want cooperation of background checks and even things like training, etc., you might have a chance of having a dialogue.

But if the antis won’t accept some of that they will get 0% cooperation.



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Everybody poops and leaves their loaded gun in the stall

I was going to write about the possible government shut down and all the drama in Washington.  Honestly, I’m tired about writing about guns.  Then a story caught my eye that I couldn’t ignore.  Sometimes you are given a gift.  To ignore that gift is down right criminal.  This is one of those times.

Here’s the 411 -

Last week, Legislative Assistant Dave Evans was packing heat in the Missouri Capitol. (To answer your question, yes it’s legal to carry a gun in the Capitol of Missouri.)  Sure enough, nature called and Mr. Evans had to use the bathroom.  Mr. Evans removed his gun and set it on the toilet paper roll in a men’s stall in the Capitol restroom – like ya do.  Usually I just end up leaving my phone, keys and sometimes even my wallet, but in this case it was Mr. Evans’ LOADED gun.


So Mr. Evans did his business and left the stall leaving his loaded gun.  When he returned the gun was gone.

Oopsie Daisy!  Turns out, sometime entered the stall and picked up the gun and turned it into lost and found.

Here in the Midwest, people are applying for conceal and carry permits as fast as you can say Obamacare.  I think this calls for some new rules when it comes to carrying guns in public.

I realize that those arm and vest holsters that we all remember from Hill Street Blues aren’t very cool in 2013 so if you insist on wearing the waist holsters here are some new rules based on Mr. Evan’s recent gun oops:

1.  If you need to take your gun out in public so you can be the good guy with a gun protecting us from bad guys with guns, no pooping.  Stay away from the fiber at lunch, because it’s going to be a long day.  If you are guy, peeing is fine – it’s a stand up, one hand deal.  No sitting down on the john all day my friend.  Ladies – you better get used to holding it or invest in a Go Girl to pee standing up.

2.  All I keep hearing about are “responsible gun owners” so if you misplace your loaded gun, you are now classified as an irresponsible gun owner.  This isn’t like misplacing your keys my friends.  What if a child had entered that stall?  I think this should be a one strike and you’re out deal.   I expect that from my child when she has her favorite toy.  if she loses it she doesn’t get another one.  It’s how I teach responsibility for my own child and we are talking about her American Girl Doll.

3.  OK app developers – I have  new challenge we need an app for that!  I have this really cool app called “find my phone” that saves me a ton of time.  When I misplace my iPhone – which is often, I engage my app that sends a signal to my iPhone that plays an annoying noise until I find it.  I suggest we engage those same developers for loaded guns.  We can even name the app after the staffer who left his loaded gun in the bathroom stall.

These are just my suggestions.  I encourage others to contribute their ideas.

To all those gun owners packing heat today, might I suggest something light and bland lunch today.

Grab Your Gun – It’s a Picnic in Johnson County, KS!

It’s Sunday and that can only mean one thing in Kansas…

If you said a gun celebration picnic you would be correct!

Nothing…I repeat…NOTHING says macaroni salad good times like a gun celebration picnic.

Luckily I found one right here in my own backyard.  Here’s the 411 on the picnic:

Sunday, July 21, 2013 in Johnson County, KS at 3:00 there is a community picnic sponsored by the Johnson County Open Carry Group.  According to their Facebook page:

Johnson County Open Carry
We have been successful in restoring some of our lost rights in Lenexa. It is now legal to openly carry loaded guns in a holster in most public places in Lenexa. There are some restrictions that you should be aware of but this was a good start on a long hard battle to restore all of our freedoms.

Now, the hard part is trying to decide which holster to wear.  So many choices so little time.  How about this little gem with the Book of Psalm on it?  It’s between this one and the other one I have with the commandment Thou Shalt Not Murder.


It’s a family picnic and nothing says childhood good times like my daughter bringing her rifle. Maybe when she is done with the slides and swings she can shoot a few rounds.

Aww..snap!  A person on the Facebook page asked if it was ok to bring rifles or just side arms.  Only side arms at this family friendly event.  Looks like little Susie will have to leave her rifle home this time.  One can only hope that one day it will be ok for little Susie to pack heat of her own so she doesn’t feel so left out.

With it being 90 degrees about 110% humidity, tempers may flare if there isn’t enough potato salad for all the guests.  Just in case, there organizer put out this warning:

We need to promote ourselves as rational, law-abiding citizens who are merely expressing their 2nd Amendment rights in accordance with Kansas (and now LENEXA) law. I have no doubt that everyone will be on their best behavior but it’s worth a mention.

Grab the sunblock and the pork rinds, but be sure to bring enough for EVERYONE!  How many is everyone?  No one is exactly sure since this is the first event of its kind in Johnson County.  We can only hope there will be MANY more because nothing says good times like public parks, kids and guns.

Now excuse me while I see how my jello mold is doing.  I need to add the marshmallows and grab my gun.  It’s picnic time!

Pictures courtesy of Gungoddess and PinkPistolHolsters


#KSleg You might want to read this before debating guns.

Dear #KSleg,

Psst..I’ve got a little secret.  I know you are debating the “second amendment protection act” today.

Before you continue, if you could be so kind to take a  second to read this.

Love the bill name by the way.  Talk about political spin.  Let’s rename that bill for the sake of this blog.  Let’s call it the “ignore the federal government and any gun regulations bill”.

See..spin works both ways.

OK, now that we’ve got that out of the way.  I want to share with you a little nugget of information from our fine friends across the state line in Missouri.  See Missouri attempted to exempt birth control coverage from mandatory federal coverage.  The bill went to court and guess what happened?

If you said the judge found in favor of Missouri you would be…


Why?  It has to do with the Constitution.  That document containing the 2nd amendment. Well, turns out it does more than talk about guns.  It also talks about the federal government trumping state government in the pyramid of authority.

You can debate your ignore the federal government and any gun regulations bill all you want, but in the end you are only going to end up costing KS taxpayers a ton of money.

I am a Kansas taxpayer.  It is no secret that I am no gun lover.  However, this isn’t a blog post about my position on guns.  This is, however, a blog post on my position on wasteful tax dollar spending.  I almost sound like a Republican.  Republican or Democrat, you can’t deny that is exactly what is happening here.

My gut feeling is this is a political stunt to get re-elected.  If so, how about just posting a YouTube video saying how much you love your guns.  I think that will do about the same thing and not cost so many hard-working Kansans our tax money.

The point is – stop wasting my money.  If you need something to do I’m sure that Kansas taxpayers can come up with a whole list of things you can do besides trying to out rank the Federal government.

You will lose.  I will bet my tax dollars on it.

One girl’s journey 13 years ago for gun control

Sad and shocking news from my side today as the Democratic leaders removed the assault weapons ban from firearm legislation.

Majority Leader Harry Reid says he wants to bring a gun bill to the Senate with enough support to overcome any Republican efforts to block debate. And he says he was concerned that opposition to the assault weapons ban would block passage of any bill at all. Many Democrats think a ban on large-capacity magazines has a better chance of getting 60 votes.

News flash Harry – the Republicans are going to attempt to block and any all efforts to enact new gun legislation.    I think 1st term Obama can give you a little lesson in how well that works. Democrats give a little and the Republicans don’t give at all.  Works like a charm.

Anyway, as my resigned feeling of defeat was setting in, I started exploring where I had felt this kind of disappointment before.  Gun control is always something I had felt strongly about.  Sandy Hook, Aurora, Columbine were all terrible tragedies, but I have been passionate about gun control ever since I was a young gal starting out in Washington DC with high hopes that maybe…just maybe…I could make a difference.  (insert patriotic music)

Once upon a time there were a million moms.

Ok maybe just 750,000, but we were all moms.

Ok I wasn’t a mom, but one day I knew I was going to be a mom.

Oh hell…at that time I didn’t know I was going to be a mom…but I was there.

It was an amazing event.  The mall was filled with people and we were all passionate about gun control.

Everyone was out there on a hot, sunny day and I was chilling in the “celebrity” tent as an event volunteer.

The point was we were all there and we were all there to save lives!

Yes that’s Melissa Ethridge and Reece Witherspoon.  Courtney Love was there.  Susan Sarandon and I were BFFs for the day (ok, maybe she just posed with me for this picture).

I have no idea who is with me on that very bottom pick – this was 13 years ago.  Give a girl a break.

Before you start sending me comments – I am very aware that you can see my iPhone taking a picture of my pictures.  I need to get me one of those scanner thingys. I’m not above donations…message me for details.

As inspirational as Rosie’s speech was 13 years ago, the sad reality is that not much as changed and with what happened today with the firearm bill, I am bracing for more disappointment. The part that sucks is there are no celebrities or a bright sunny day at the mall to help soften my disappointment.  Just me looking at old pictures…

The Million Mom March in 20003.19.13 001 3.19.13 002 3.19.13 004 3.19.13 006 3.19.13 007

#KSleg – Holy Overreaction Batman! Guns and School Employees

Here’s the headline:

KS legislature would allow school employees to carry guns

Insert heavy sigh….

Let’s play the fact game shall we?

Fact by the a study out of the University of Pennsylvania studying 677 shootings over 2.5 years:

People carrying guns were 4.5 times more likely to be shot.

4.2 times more likely to be killed.

The conclusion was there a hyper-confidence when it came to people carrying guns that people who were not armed didn’t have.  They were more likely to put themselves in dangerous positions on purpose, increasing the likelihood to be shot.

It is more likely that my kid will be killed by lightning than shot by a mass shooter.

I know, this doesn’t work when it comes to the NRA lobby wanting everyone to have a gun.

According to the National Weather Service – 54 people are killed by lightning strikes each year.

Mass shootings by year and number of people from Alan Fox, Northwestern University Lipman Family Professor of Curriculum Law and Public Policy:

2009 –  27

2008 – 29

2007 – 23

From the American Academy of Pediatrics:

This statement reaffirms the 1992 position of the American Academy of Pediatrics that the absence of guns from children’s homes and communities is the most reliable and effective measure to prevent firearm-related injuries in children and adolescents.

Some more interesting stats: In 1997, 306 (7.2%) children and adolescents younger than 20 years killed by firearms died as a result of unintentional firearm-related injuries.

Let’s just ignore those silly docs and all those facts showing that kids are more likely to die from accidental shootings from guns and do the opposite by adding MORE guns to places that our kids frequent – schools.  Makes perfect sense  (more sarcasm).

From that liberal and non-credible  institution called Harvard:

To begin with, having a gun in the home is a risk factor for serious accidental injury and death. As Hemenway points out, death certificate data indicate that 680 Americans were killed accidentally with guns each year between 2003 and 2007. Half those victims were under the age of 25.

I’m sure that having guns in schools will in no way increase the possibility that my child will die from an accidental death from a firearm vs. a mass shooting. (sarcasm)

Now I can already feel pro-gun lobbyist typing out their response to me – “but it’s a deterrent to ward off would be gunmen.”

I’ve noticed how we don’t have any first degree murder now that we have the death penalty.  Deterrents work so well.  Also, since we have all decided that mass gunmen suffer from extreme forms of mental illness, I’m sure they are in their right mind enough to conclude deterrents when they are figure out where their next mass shooting should be.

Adding guns to schools by arming school employees actually increases the likelihood that my child will die from a shooting-an accidental shooting from school employees.  

More guns equal more chances my child will get shot.  Hey – I’m pretty good with math.  I credit great, unarmed teachers!  I understand that we all want to keep kids safe.  That is a great goal, but arming school employees isn’t the answer.  We need to keep our eye on the statistics and not over-react.  Just say no to this legislation!






Bank Robber Shot by Civilian – Gun Rights People Go Crazy

Dear Gun Rights Advocates:

Me again.

I know.  I’m a pain in the ass.


Since I have subscribed to many of your newsletters, I’ve noticed that a lot of you have been celebrating a recent “victory” that happened out of Trimble, MO last week.  Here’s a brief summary for those who didn’t follow the news.

Bank robber walks into the First Security Bank of Trimble and shows a gun demanding money.

Sounds like something taken from the Bank Robbery 101 play book.

Mr. Bank Robber gets shot in the bank.

Mr. Bank Robber gets in car.

Mr. Bank Robber takes police on a high-speed chase.

Mr. Bank Robber gets caught and is now in hospital and will go to jail.

Gun rights advocates go crazy with joy!  See good guys with guns took out bad guy with a gun – a la Wayne LaPierre.

Everyone lives happily ever after.

The end.

Now so fast my gun totting friends.  Let’s stop and think about some of these facts for a moment.

First, according to my friends at the Kansas City Star, it wasn’t exactly an armed “civilian”, it was a guard at the bank.  I know, here we go again with those silly facts.  Also, it begs the question if it was a civilian doing business at the bank, what’s the point of those silly signs posted everywhere with a gun and a slash across it?

Second, if the guard/civilian did shoot the bank robber in the face, the guard/civilian is a pretty crappy shot.  Mr. Bank Robber gets out of the bank, into his car and leads police on a 25 MILE POLICE CHASE from Trimble, MO to Kansas City.  Now I’ve never been shot in the face, so I’m just guessing, but I can imagine that if I was accurately shot in the face, operating a motor vehicle correctly for 25 miles would be pretty gosh darn hard.

Again, I’m no gun expert as I’ve said in previous blogs, but if I got shot accurately in the face, I would assume I would be dead.  That’s right – probably pretty darn dead.  Now I’m also no driving expert, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say I would need a face to drive a car.  I need  two eyes, my brain, maybe even my mouth to scream, “holy shit that hurt.”  So where exactly was he “shot in the face”?

I know…I can be a total pain in the ass with all of these questions.  I was one of those kids who constantly asked why.

So before you keep celebrating your gun rights victory, take a second and think about some of these things.  I don’t consider a guard at a bank a “civilian”.  I think the Department of Motor Vehicles may want to require on our driving requirements that everyone driving have a face.  That is if we are going to be able to drive say more than 5 miles.

Anyway, sorry for interrupting your gun love fest.

Yours in annoying questions,




Urgent: Play MO and KS gun laws- Fact or Fiction

Let’s play a fun game called Kansas and Missouri Proposed Gun Legislation – Fact or Fiction

1.  Coming from the great state of Kansas, we have HB 2199 will have that federal agents that attempt to confiscate guns manufactured in the state of Kansas could be prosecuted and face PRISON time.

2.  A bill proposed in Missouri has anyone representative who votes in favor of gun control legislation could face prison time of up to four years in jail.

3.  A bill in Missouri and Kansas that makes it a requirement that all girls 12 and younger own a shoot ‘em up Barbie and side kick assault weapon Skipper.

Let’s score this bad boy.

1.  Fact and the estimate of this baby to defend it in court $825,000 of Kansas taxpayer cash that we evidently have oodles of in Kansas.

2.  Fact.  Next up in Missouri – bills that would make discussing if Santa is real illegal.  The follow-up to that bill are more bills on the tooth fairy and unicorns.

3.  Fiction.  I had to throw one in to make this game hard.

So thanks to Kansas and Missouri, I’m book ended by cray-cray.

Let’s start with the Kansas law.  Kansas feels that any restrictions on the 2nd amendment will be unconstitutional.  So we are going to threaten imprisonment of federal agents if they decide to enforce them.  They do this by saying that any guns manufactured in the state of Kansas are excluded from any restrictions on the 2nd amendment.

Hang on federal government, I’ve got the response to this one.

Kansas lawmakers – if you decide to pursue this, I will make the executive decision granted to me by my rights as official blog writer of Pleasantly Eccentric to revoke the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.  That means you are on your own when it comes to combating drug crimes and gangs.  Your biggest fears have come true.  Kansas will become even more of a home base for funneling drugs into the US and gangs will own this great land of Oz.  Also, no response from the National Guard – so all that snow that’s coming or possible tornadoes in the spring that may require federal assistance – sorry Charlie.  No more FBI to solve crime.  Also, in the long-shot category, if a foreign enemy decides to strike, hope those Kansas handguns will serve you well.

You are on your own Kansas. Good luck and God bless!

All of this because of the federal government is trying to REGULATE the 2nd amendment?  Not do away with, but regulate.  Again to my point that we REGULATE the 1st amendment all the time.  Never mind that you are ok putting regulations all over the 1st amendment when it comes to abortion that has been found to be a constitutional right…

Not to get off track.

Missouri – don’t think I forgot about you.

Something I would like to suggest is more anti-bullying legislation.


Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior among school aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time. Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, attacking someone physically or verbally, and excluding someone from a group on purpose.

Ding! Ding!   If you just change out school aged children and put in Missouri lawmakers, I think we have a match!  I would say that threatening to put someone in prison qualifies as exclusion.  Instead of introducing laws putting lawmakers in jail, might I suggest expanding on the state-wide anti-bullying definition to include state representatives?

Kansas and Missouri – since I basically straddle the state line, could you please go more than a week and not introduce legislation that embarrasses the hell out of me?  Even if you could just avoid making national news where the journalists don’t roll their eyes or sigh heavily when reading the story that would be a huge start.




From my WTF file – Bill of Rights Engraved on Guns.

I’ve been writing about gun control a lot and have been fortunate to debate gun control on Darla Jaye’s 980 KMBZ show (shout out to my favorite Conservative – woot, woot).

Most of the opposing views expressed have been summed up like this – “People who don’t understand guns are the ones who want to prohibit guns.” And loving comments like “you don’t know what the hell you are talking about.”

This feedback had me thinking – what do I really know about guns?

In full disclosure, I have shot a gun once. It was a long, long time ago in the desert of Arizona. My family decided to take a tour of Phoenix. Our tour host was an old-fashioned cowboy complete with the handlebar mustache. While we were out admiring how dry the desert actually was..he showed me and my brother his gun. It was something similar to the picture in this post.

The cowboy asked if my brother and I wanted to shoot it. Curiosity got the best of me and I said yes.

He handed me this gun and told me to aim far in the distance. We were standing on a slight hill in the middle of nowhere. I aimed out to the horizon and shot the gun.

Way off in the distance I heard “hey” shouted.

Now I’m sure the gun had blanks in it (I hope), but it was enough to scare the crap out of me. That was the first and last time I ever shot a gun.

I think my cowgirl experience is enough to call myself “experienced” with guns or should I say…a gun. (sticking tongue out in a very mature matter to all those gun-rights people out there).

Uberti Army

I have been researching a lot about guns lately to help support my points.

Sen. Feinstein introduced new legislation to ban 157 different types of assault weapons. I did a Google search to see if that is a large percentage of the guns manufactured in the US or a small percentage. 157 sounds like a lot if the total number of guns manufactured is say 250…I think you get my point. I do know that the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms said that in 2011 there were about 6.1 million guns manufactured in the United States minus the exports.

How many of the 157 brands are there out of that 6.1 million? I can’t answer that.

However, on search, I found this little gem:

It’s a pistol with the Bill of Rights etched in the gun. In the manufacturer’s words – Model 9C1 pistol. Putting the Bill of Rights where it belongs.” And they go on..

Each FMK Firearms 9C1 pistol is engraved with the Bill of Rights to remind Americans about our inalienable rights, and pay tribute to those great leaders who have fought for our freedoms, while some ignoble ones have endeavored to undermine them.

First, how small must the font be on that pistol? Second, the inalienable rights include the right to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness. I guess maybe they are focusing more on the liberty and pursuit of happiness part and less on the life part.

  • What about all those killed by accidental gun shots?
  • What about all those people killed by mass shootings?
  • What about all the women murdered in domestic violence assaults?
  • What about all those killed in homicides?

Don’t all those victims also have a right to life? Maybe these pistols are manufactured by someone in the Gen X generation. It has been coined the “me generation”. Maybe it’s this type of selfishness that has made America great, but also our own worst enemies.

I guess the flip-side of the argument is that guns can be used to protect your life and not just take someone else’s. So then I searched for how many people save their life from having a gun per year. Not so simple – one can’t assume that every home invasion is life-threatening. Maybe a thief is only after your flat screens, Macs and espresso machines. For as many statistics that show that guns make people safe, there are statistics saying more guns equals more homicides and suicides.

Then I found this from the same article referenced on -

There is work the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention could and should be doing, she said, but has not since the late 1990s. CDC has been wary of studying gun issues after NRA lobbyists convinced Congress to cut into its funding after a series of studies in the mid-1990s were viewed by the NRA as advocating for gun control.

Thanks NRA and CDC – my search for facts to help support my argument has stopped….(big sigh) I guess I’ll go off the argument that guns should be prohibited cause I said so. So there.

Announcement – new company to provide gun background checks

Dear American people,

I am submitting a proposal that I hope you will take into consideration as a possible solution to our gun problems in America. As the gun debate continues, it seems like Democrats and Republicans are all agreeing that background checks are necessary when it comes to purchasing a gun. All too often there are places like the internet and gun shows where guns are purchased without a necessary background check. If there is anything I think our representatives can come to agreement on, it’s expanding the background checks to apply everywhere a gun is purchased.

The next question is…where is the money coming from to fund this proposal and is this something better handled by a private company?

I don’t usually agree with Republicans on much, but I think in this case there is a private company can do a very thorough job at conducting background checks. That is why I am officially endorsing eHarmoney as the company who can provide the most comprehensive background checks this nation needs.

“Wait, isn’t eHarmoney an online dating site?” you may be asking.

Correct…eHarmoney is an online dating site.

Allow me to explain.

Once upon a time there was a women, a very, very young woman, who was looking for love. She decided that in order to find love, she would do as millions like her have done before – she was going online looking for a “lasting relationship”. That eHarmoney commercial with the gray-haired man talking about love kept popping into her mind. Pictures of the cute couples who “complete each other” were something that attracted this young woman to pick eHarmoney as her online dating match maker.

So, this young woman took the “free personality profile” to get set up so she could find the love she so longed for. 29 questions was all it took. She read the directions and noted when it said to answer to the questions as honesty as possible to find your love.

So she did…

On a grading scale of “never” to “always” she answered questions like:

1. Do you like being the center of attention? (she writes a blog that she hopes people will read) Always

2. Are you kind? Depends on the day she thought, but she answered slightly right of center towards the always mark.

3. Do you want to be sexually compatible with your mate? Who the hell would answer no? So she answered “always”. If “hell ya” was an option, she would have written that in.

4. Do you want to have more kids? Wait, wasn’t the first question what’s my, I mean her, age? Do the math eHarmoney – Advanced maternal age at this point is an understatement. Hell to the no.

5. List 3 things you cherish: her daughter, her blog and a good game of craps and yes in that order.

For about a half an hour she answered the questions honestly. Does she work out? Sometimes. Do you care if your mate is physically attractive? What type of question is that? Totally in the eye of the beholder so that falls on the middle of the “care-meter”.

The answers flowed so quickly she was almost giddy at the end when she would hit submit and all of the potential matches would come flowing onto her computer screen.


“We are sorry, but we are unable to match you at this time. This is not a personal reflection of you. blah blah blah blah blah”

Wait..what? No match? No “you complete me” couple.…no love.

I, I mean she was rejected by an online dating service.

Rock freaking bottom….

She tried to go back and “soften” her profile. Maybe she didn’t always have to be the center of attention. Maybe she is nicer than she gives herself credit for. Maybe sexual compatibility is over-rated. She could just live as good friends with her love match. I mean aren’t there some religious sects that do that? You know they call each other “brother” and “sister”. Or is that Mormanism? She gets confused.

The back button only confirmed her sudden panic- locked out. The same humiliating message came up. It should have read, “You only have one time to make a good first impression. So sorry you old maid. Now go pet your many cats.”

This sad story is why I believe that the best possible company to profile and accept new gun owners are the same people who hold the keys to love. eHarmony – the name alone is peaceful – Harmony (insert angels singing and playing harps).

Harmony is something we all strive for with gun ownership. We hope to never actually have to use the gun we buy for protection. Who better to profile potential dangers to our society then the same online dating system that can dump potential online clients in a half an hour and reject their willingness to give them money to set them up. Whatever eHarmony’s secrets are to matching love, lets apply those same tactics to weed out dangerous criminals trying to buy guns.

Gun background checks could just be the beginning for eHarmony….maybe terrorist profiling is next. The options are endless. Hell, for all this woman knows, answering these questions may have put her on some list and not the one that eHarmony advertises.

eHarmoney – the American people will be in touch regarding this proposal.

The woman wanted me to share her parting message to eHarmoney as she logged off her profile.

Go fuck yourself eHarmony. Now move that middle of center “kind” answer all the way to the NEVER mark. That other question about her temper – she is working on it.



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