Domestic Violence Disappointment – my story

If you are from Kansas City, you know the story….the story of Amber Taylor and Austin McCauley.

Quick summary:

Amber and Austin were living in a motel with Amber’s 4-year-old.  Amber gets a text from another man one morning.  Austin finds out about it.  That night he beats her with a bat over the head.  Amber has a towel wrapped around her head with blood all over the bathroom.  Amber ends up in the hospital.  While in the hospital, she figures out she has Austin’s phone in her pocket.  She logs onto Austin’s Facebook and posts a picture of her battered self on his Facebook page to show Austin’s friends what he did to her.

The picture goes viral.

Amber ends up doing media interviews and becoming “the face of domestic violence”.

Fast forward to Austin’s court date.  Austin ends up in court and Austin pleads not guilty.  He says she hit herself with the bat.  We all find out that Amber has been visiting Austin in jail and has confessed her love for Austin again.

My reaction:  SHIT!  Why Amber?  Why did you do this to me?  I was so invested in you.  I believed you. When you said on the radio you would never go back, I believed you.   I believed that this time you were going to leave him.  This time would be different.  You said all the right things to me.  You were such a good role model for women in domestic violence relationships.  I feel so let down.  This is why people don’t believe victims when they say they are going to leave.

Oh wait, we aren’t in a relationship.

Why do I feel so let down?

I blame social media.

Before Facebook I wouldn’t even know about Amber.  Maybe I would have caught the story on the nightly news, but then 3 minutes later she would have been gone from my life.  It is only because of Facebook that I became so invested.  You could argue this is a good thing, because it highlights the issue of domestic violence, but also a bad thing if you think about people getting victim fatigue when it comes to the mentality of “Why help? They are only going to go back.”  Remember, it takes the average women 7 times before she leaves a domestic violence relationship.  Amber isn’t any different.

Because of Facebook, we all love being part of a social movement.  Think about it:  ”click like if you (insert issue, cute picture).  I’ve learned to pass these things up, but think of all of the thousands of times people click like every day.  We all want to be part of the collective good.  We all want those kids to get the puppy.  We all want that soldier to feel loved, or that kid to feel beautiful.  We are constantly finding ways on Facebook to feel invested.  We all became invested in Amber’s story and now there is admitted disappointment in the outcome no matter what the judgement is in the courtroom.

Amber posted her pictures on Austin’s Facebook account to GET BACK AT AUSTIN.  She did not do it to become the face of domestic violence.  Big difference here.  We made her the face and voice of domestic violence.  This is obviously a position she wasn’t ready for and couldn’t handle.  We (meaning the public) were bound for disappointment when we forced this woman into this role.  We wanted a triumphant outcome.  We wanted the Lifetime Movie.

Why did Amber go back or think about going back (I can’t confirm she went back)?

Probably some of the reasons from Austin:

• I love you.
• I’ll never do this again.
• I’ve learned my lesson now that I’m in jail.
• You made me do this to you since you got those text messages.
• If you would have just listened to me, this wouldn’t have happened.

She may be thinking:

• If I wouldn’t have texted that guy, this wouldn’t have happened to me.
• I always push Austin’s buttons.  If I would learned to keep my mouth shut, this wouldn’t happen.
• Who is going to date me now that they saw what I did to Austin on Facebook?
• He must really love me if he is willing to forgive me for what I did to him on Facebook.
• I think if he ever gets out of jail, he is going to kill me.  I need to get back with him to save my life.

 

To judge her and say “if it was me, I would never go back” is to not really understand the vicious cycle of domestic violence.

I’ll get over my disappointment, but I worry about her safety and I hope that she will be o.k.    If you or someone you know is in a domestic violence relationship please call 913-262-2868.

 

 

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The Belcher/Perkins tragedy – No secret in furthering my personal agenda

A number of days have passed since the horrible murder-suicide of Belcher and Perkins.  Kansas City is grieving and processing the terrible tragedy.  My last post was my initial reaction based on the few facts that came out initially about the incident and my experience working in domestic violence.

There has been a lot of response to my last post – good and bad.  The most interesting is that I have a personal agenda that I am trying to push.

Do I have a personal agenda that I’m trying to push regarding the Belcher/Perkins tragedy?

Yes!

Yes, I have a personal agenda that I am trying to push.  I am not ashamed of it.  In fact, I am not trying to hide it at all.  I want to shout it from the rooftops!

My personal agenda in writing about the  Belcher/Perkins murder-suicide is I don’t want to see another woman get seriously injured or murdered at the hands of an abuser.

Can I be any clearer about my agenda?

I am simply trying to use my knowledge about domestic violence to reach out to people and help them understand what happened so maybe we can prevent another unnecessary murder.

• Like I said before – all “types” of men abuse women.
• Leaving is the most dangerous time in a domestic violence relationship.  It is when most homicides happen.
• Babies can often make domestic violence situations worse.
• Alcohol and drugs can increase the intensity of domestic violence outbursts, but they are not the cause of domestic violence.
• The best place for a woman to go when leaving an abuser is to a domestic violence shelter – not to a relative’s home.
• Don’t focus on the abuser’s behavior and if he will “change”.  Focus on what you can control if you are the one being abused.  Get help!

If you or someone you know is being abused, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline:  1-800-799-SAFE.

Please forward this blog post and get the word out.  Let’s try to save a life.

 

R.I.P Kasandra Perkins

Kansas City is in shock over the murder-suicide of Kansas City Chief’s player Jovan Belcher and Kasandra Perkins.  Belcher shot Perkins multiple times and killed her before driving to Arrowhead Stadium and shooting himself earlier today.  Perkins was 22 years-old and mother to a 3 month-old daughter with Belcher.

I worked as a hospital advocate with domestic violence victims earlier in my career.  Being a hospital advocate is tough.  It is the time when the wounds were fresh and the arguments just happened.  Here is what I know about abusers and domestic violence:

• Rich guy and poor guys beat their wives and girlfriends.
• Really smart guys and stupid guys beat their wives and girlfriends.
• Obnoxious jerks and quiet, introverts beat their wives and girlfriends.
• Jocks and geeks beat their wives and girlfriends.
• Drunk guys and sober guys beat their wives and girlfriends.
• Babies can change the dynamics in a domestic violence relationship and it is almost NEVER for the better.
• Women stay for all sorts of reasons and if you aren’t these women you will NEVER get it.

I don’t know anything about Jovan and Kasandra.  I’m speculating like everyone else in Kansas City.  Why would a professional athlete take the life of his beautiful girlfriend and mother to his adorable daughter?

One too many blows to the head is one thing I’ve heard.  Maybe, but I haven’t heard anything about bizarre behavior before this incident.

Too much pressure in his professional life.  This one has me thinking.  The Chiefs have been really struggling this season.  Kansas City fans have not been quiet about it.  Did this add to the pressure and push him over the edge?  Are we all a little guilty in pushing a little too far in our displeasure over the Chief’s poor performance?  Have we become bullies to our hometown athletes?

On the one hand its professional football players jobs.  They know what they are getting into.  Perform well as an individual and as a team and you walk on water.  Perform bad and everyone is going to let you know about it. Shouting obscenities and insults has become our own professional sport here in KC.  Whether we are at Arrowhead or just entertaining ourselves on Twitter, making fun of the Chiefs has become our new Sunday afternoon tradition.  I think it comes from frustration, anger, disappointment and sometimes just out of boredom with our team.

In a culture where the hitting is hard on the field and the fans think it’s ok to emotional abuse the players, is it any surprise that this stuff can spill over into a player’s home life?  I don’t, but I do think it’s incredibly tragic and it should all make us pause for a moment.

I am interested in what others think about this.  I know when I write my blog and I hit publish, there is always a part of me that freaks out over the thoughts of putting my work out there for people to read.  Who isn’t afraid of criticism?  I can’t imagine playing on a football field in front of thousands of people, playing poorly and having to hear all the booing every Sunday.  Do you think professional athlete’s become immune to it?

If there is anything at all positive that can come of this, hopefully the NFL will take this opportunity to send a message and support Domestic Violence groups.  The sport and the fans are not to blame for what happened to Kasandra, but the NFL can stand up and send a strong message against domestic violence.

R.I.P. Kasandra.  Such a sad day for Kansas City.

 

 

God says heat wave continues until gays allowed in Boy Scouts

I’m in middle America and it’s freaking hot. 102, 105 and even 107 is expected. No rain.

I am a menopausal woman in the middle of an oppressive drought and heatwave. My internal body temperature averages 120 degrees. I have a theory that if my internal body temperature ever meets the external air temperature I will actually melt. (Associations to the Wicked Witch reference can be made now.) If this happens and I’m standing on your dying lawn consider it a gift of a free watering. If it happens in a parking lot you could possibly get a free car wash. Have your soap ready. I may be your only source for any moisture in the area for a long time.

I am concerned about this very real possibility of my melting so I went searching for answers to the heat wave. My first stop was to our local weather blog: http://weatherblog.kshb.com/heat-wave-of-2012-grows-stronger/

I scrolled right down to the comments section looking for answers. I just happened to be watching the Real Housewives of the OC Reunion Part 2 at the same time. A fight that only Andy Cohen could have hosted erupted on the weather site comment section:

TushguyKC: you said it was going to be 102 degrees! It’s 105 degrees! Damn you Mr. Weatherman

Angryfarmer: Our entire nation’s food supply is at risk because you forecasted 101 degrees and it is 103 degrees! Damn you to hell Mr. Weatherman.

Ok, so maybe it didn’t read exactly like that, but you get my drift. There were so many comments screaming about the heat and I’m watching the RHOC so I can’t tell where one stopped and the other began. I’m just going to blame Brooks and Vicki for the heat wave in Kansas City.

So then I looked to the heavens for answers. Please God, give me an answer to help me understand why you would make a menopausal gal suffer in such an oppressive heatwave. I would understand this if I were enjoying my retirement playing Mah Jongg in Phoenix. but I’m here in the Midwest and it is WAY TOO HOT! Just at that time, I happened to look down at my iPhone that was open to a news app.

Headline: “Boy Scouts uphold longtime ban on gays.”

It’s the Boy Scouts. The Boy Scouts are doing this to me. It is my sign from God. Preachers get signs from God all the time. Why would God just limit signs to preachers and not be able to send one to a menopausal gal from the Midwest on her iPhone with a news app?

A local Eagle Scout was kicked out of the Boy Scouts after disclosing his sexuality. http://www.kansascity.com/2012/07/17/3710030/boy-scouts-decides-to-uphold-ban.html

The Boy Scouts did a two year study to decide if they should uphold the ban.

A two year study? Seriously? Our military has decided that it’s time to stop with Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and these are soldiers that live in tight quarters under extreme conditions, but you tell me that an organization that ties knots and has badges for helping old people cross the street has to examine a question like this for two years? Now I don’t know what the two year study actually included, but in my mind a questionnaire went out to Scout Leaders reading like this:

Question 1: How does homosexuality make you feel?

a. Super, duper creepy.

b. Kinda super, duper creepy.

c. No problem with it. It’s 2012 and homosexuality is a non-issue.

d. Like I want to be the grand marshal of the gay pride parade!!

Scoring: answers a, b & c mean the ban is upheld

A statement from the National Executive Committee said this,

“Scouting believes that good people can personally disagree on this topic and still work together to achieve the life-changing benefits to youth through Scouting. While not all Board members may personally agree with this policy, and may choose a different direction for their own organizations, BSA leadership agrees this is the best policy for the organization and supports it for the BSA.”

My message from God to the Boy Scouts via me:

Stop the ban on homosexuality. It’s 2012 and you are talking about an organization for boys where a child does not knowingly enter the Scouts with any understanding of their sexuality – either homo or hetero. It’s not like a country club that doesn’t allow Jews and I would join using my gentile last name to get in anyway and knowingly put myself in a situation to face discrimination. (Not that I would do that, even if they do have a great pool and golf course)

God says that unless you are going to start offering badges for kissing girls, dating girls or judging Playboy centerfolds, a ban on homosexuality is unnecessary and hurtful in a time when kids are killing themselves because of the hatred they experience as homosexuals.

Oh and God also said that Andy Cohen is looking fab these days and we should be new BFFs. Andy – call me.

It’s now on you Boy Scouts. Stop the heat wave. Do the right thing. My life depends on it. Toss your two year study (don’t burn it, there is a burn ban because of the drought) and tell kids in America that sexuality has nothing to do with scouting.

Kyle James..Kansas City’s Outrage or Love Affair?

Kansas City has our own political soap opera…and the media is loving it. The star is the young man, Kyle James. Kyle James is the 24 year old son of Mayor Sly James. Sly James is the mayor of Kansas City, MO. Bloggers and talk show hosts can’t get enough of this young man. From what’s I’ve read, Kyle thinks he is a hip-hop star. He beats up women, causes trouble in our bar districts and now has been arrested for disorderly conduct. He is a pain in his father’s political ass. These things can’t be denied. However, I have never in my life seen an overreaction to the level that I have heard and read in the past 24 hours since it became apparent that the Mayor’s ADULT son was arrested sometime last week.

One would think by the outrage displayed on local blogs and talk radio that the Mayor of Kansas City is unable to form a sentence, shake a hand or even read due to his son’s behavior. His son’s juvenile behavior has some believing that Mayor James MUST be unable to lead this city. I mean, if he can’t control his son, how is he suppose to run this city? I have heard that an intervention must be staged on Kyle’s behalf (the assumption is he is a drug addict – I can’t confirm or deny this, nor do I frankly care much). It has been demanded that his mother come out and make a comment on her son’s behavior.

The most hilarious link is that Mayor James can’t possibly control the homicide rate in Kansas City, because of the behavior of his adult son. Excuse me? WTF? Let me say that again…The mayor can’t control homicides in this city because his son is a punk. Think about this. Now, you may have beef with the Mayor for lots of reasons. Whatever your reasons are, this can’t possibly be your reasoning. This makes absolutely NO sense. I can’t reconcile this as a common sense reason. That would be like me saying, my daughter can’t write sentences at 5 therefore I’m not a good mother. Wait, am I not a good mother? Maybe not…my suburban mom insecurity is kicking in.

The more this argument continues, the more I can’t figure out why such passion? I mean there is outrage! I keep hearing things like privilege, no job, rich boy. Is this an elitist thing? Is Kansas City mad because this young adult is a trouble maker and he is rich and connected? What makes him any different than some of the sports stars that have dotted our nightly landscape in this city that have caused trouble and beat up women? He isn’t the first kid in this town to use his connections. So what if the cops are giving this kid a ride home? Aren’t there bigger issues in this town? Is the problem that he can’t throw a football? There are white boys in JoCo doing equally stupid things and we don’t seem to be so preoccupied with their fuck ups. Yes, he is the Mayor’s son. So what? He is over 21.

I read a very popular local blog that is constantly writing about this issue. The comments section is loaded with anonymous comments about this ongoing story. It is almost regularly that this comment is part of the long list: “stupid nigger”. Now, I have my blog and it is in no way as cool or as read as this other person’s local blog. The media doesn’t court me in the same way. I’m not an expert guest on radio talk shows discussing this topic the way this person is. However, my comments are regulated by me. I post people who agree with me and people who don’t. I would never agree to post a comment like “stupid nigger” on my blog. It just can’t be denied that there is an underlying racism that is hidden behind “anonymous” comments. Now is the blogger responsible for comments posted as “anonymous”? No. But does the blogger have to post them? I guess that’s this blogger’s choice.

How much of this is generally racist? I don’t know. Everyone will say it isn’t racist. I just feel like this is intensified because this kid is connected, he is a “gangster want to be” and he is causing trouble, oh and he is also black. Our city just feels the need to be overly involved and definitely feels like we all need an explanation and be in on the intervention (whether or not he actually has a drug problem). Maybe it’s the city that has a problem? Maybe it’s just that this city is one highly dysfunctional family?