Todd Akin has regrets? This should be good.

I suddenly felt a chill go up my spine Thursday alerting me that something was up.  I remembered that chill.  It was the same chill I had from the last election.

My senses were right.  Sure enough Todd Akin was in the news again.

Speaking about his statement about “legitimiate rape” he said recently in an interview, “Of course,” Akin replied. “Of course you regret it. You think what it would have been like if I hadn’t done that.”

Ah..regret.  I think we’ve all experienced it.  For me, it’s currently in the form of my Match.com profile.

For Akin, it’s from his unfortunate statement.  Not the belief mind you…just the statement.

Akin goes on.

“I misspoke one word in one sentence on one day, and all of a sudden, overnight, everybody decides, ‘Well, Akin can’t possibly win,'” he said in a separate interview hosted by Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, the Associated Press reported. “Well, I don’t agree with that.”

I have also  “misspoke” on MANY occasions so I don’t judge too harshly. You should see me when I have one too many cosmos.  Talk about some serious misspeaking.  I like to call it my “Akinisms”.

Oh hell, who am I kidding?  When it comes to Todd Akin I judge very harshly.  Even with my own tendency to have regrets and to put myself in positions where I misspoke one too many sentences in my life, there are a whole host of reasons why Todd Akin lost to Clare McCaskill.  This sentence was a drop in the bucket.

Let’s take a walk down memory lane shall we?

  • Todd Akin compared Claire McCaskill to a dog.
  •  In 2012, Akin was one of 24 to vote against the Training and Research for Autism Improvements Nationwide Act; 147 Republicans voted for it. AGOP press release described this as an effort to “advance training and education for autism service providers” so that “autistic children and adults can lead fuller, happier and healthier lives.”

Dude – who votes against kids with autism?

  • Akin wants a constitutional amendment declaring life begins at conception.

 

I could go on and on and on, but I think you get my point.

Regrets or not, it is game over for this cat.

 

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Akin plans on writing a book? Might I suggest a flier.

Todd Akin, the MO candidate for Senate is now planning on gracing our shelves with a potential book.  Oh the anticipation for that book.  You might remember Todd, the candidate who some believe brought down the GOP with his comment about “legitimate rape”.  Now he wants to write a book.

I just summed up his book in 120 characters on twitter…I ran for senate. I said some stupid shit. I lost. The end.

Now I’m sure Todd’s take on how things went was a bit different. He probably already got the thesaurus cracked trying to find different ways to describe “bravery” and “courage”. He believes he stood up to the establishment by continuing to run when everyone told him he should step down.

I can only hope that when it is turned into the Lifetime Movie that Lindsay Lohan is tagged to play Claire McCaskill. LiLo hold your calendar open in about 2 years for this gem.  Maybe Jeff Bridges as Todd?  The Duggars can play themselves.  I call the drinking game on this miniseries – drink every time someone says “legitimate rape”.

The book that should be written is how this whole mess redefined the Republican party.  The #WaronWomen is not just a cute hash tag in the Twitterverse.  It’s a real thing and it came out to bite the whole Republican party on their white, male behind.

Akin’s one interview and his mindless statements that followed changed the establishment.  It forced the GOP to hold a big mirror up to themselves and look at more than their bad comb-overs.  They realized post-election that the party has some changing to do.  Minorities like blacks, women and Hispanics need to be included in this party if they are going to be successful.  Stupid statements like how women’s reproductive parts work won’t be tolerated by voters.

Will they really change?  Who knows.  For now, I can’t wait for the Akin book to come out.  I’m sure it will have lots and lots of pictures – the kind that need crayons to color with.

Gingrich and Akin – New BFFs

Looks like the political world has a new Gwenyth and Madonna or Ben and Matt.  The newest couple on the bromance political circuit is none other than Newt Gingrich and Todd Akin.  Akin, we all remember has the struggling senate campaign against Claire McCaskill in Missouri.  Akin quickly lost his running to be voted most likely to succeed when he tried to explain a female’s reproductive system and how it responds to rape.  Gingrich is supporting Akin at fundraisers in MO and trying to dig Akin’s campaign out of the funeral plot it finds itself in.

Since this friendship came out of nowhere, one must assume Akin consulted the Girl’s Life article “How to make new friends by lunch–really.”   http://www.girlslife.com/post/2012/07/19/How-to-make-friends-by-lunchreally.aspx

 

Let’s see what the article says and how Akin and Gingrich measure up-

Tried and True

Don’t be afraid to just introduce yourself to the girl sitting one desk over. Sure, it’s awkward to say, “Hi, my name is __________,” and then let it hang there. So don’t. Introduce yourself, and after she responds with her name, follow up with a question about how long she’s gone to the school or where her locker is this year. And in the awkward event that she just stares at you and doesn’t respond with her name, be prepared just to jump straight into your question. If you ask her something directly, hopefully she won’t be so rude that she won’t respond at all.

Akin:  “Hi my name is Todd.  I’ve managed to alienate 50% of our population with my comments about abortion and rape.  Newt, you’ve been in politics for a long time and we all know you took a cruise during a crucial time in your run for presidency that caused most of your staff to quit.  Can you tell me  how you felt when so many people quit on you like the Republican leadership has quit on me?”

Just like the article says, putting it all out there at first and then following up with a nice question pointing out similarities can create an instant bond.

That Awkward Moment When…

Pay attention to anything out-of-the-ordinary or funny that happens in your first few classes, and comment on it when you run into one of your classmates in the hall later. The best is if you can make a joke out of it, and use that to get the chitchat flowin’. Something like, “So does it usually sound like they’re shouting the morning announcements in your ear, or was the loudspeaker just turned up in honor of the first day?” Be careful with your jokin’, though, and don’t mention any people – you never know who could be creepin’ up behind you and get offended.

Akin to Gingrich, “Isn’t that hilarious how I manage to say something that caused the Republican leadership to go running for the hills?  Those silly Republicans think they can scare me out of the race by pulling all my endorsements and money.  Still I’m somehow managing to get press by staying in the race and really pushing the Republicans buttons.  By not getting out the race, I could easily hand this victory to my opponent, Clare McCaskill.  Hilarious!”  They both fall to the floor in hysterics.

Dish Out the Compliments           

If you heart the pants that your locker neighbor is wearing, tell her. She probably put tons of thought into her BTS outfit just like you did, and she’ll appreciate someone noticing it. You can then ask her where she got them, or move on to a new topic once you’ve gotten her attention. Just be careful not to gush too much – you don’t wanna come off as a spaz. A simple compliment and a smile will go a long way.

Akin to Newt, “I think this wife is by far the best wife.  I know your previous lifestyle of marital infidelities goes against my strong, fundamentalist Christian values, but as long as we keep the gays from marrying, we will let Jesus decide.”

And there you have it.  The Gingrich and Akin friendship is one based in similar experience that will stand the test of time.  I’m sure this friendship will extend far beyond just this political race.

A few key questions, a lot of compliments and similar circumstances of alienation that can keep them laughing for a lifetime of friendship.

 

A sincere apology to Todd Akin

Dear Todd Akin,

I apologize for my last post claiming that you said homosexuality could be cured by drinking breast milk.  Turns out someone who loves satire was actually tricked by satire.  See, it’s so hard these days to tell what is real and what isn’t real when it comes from Christian Conservatives.

When you said that women could actually wish pregnancy away if they were “legitimately raped”, I actually thought that was a joke, until I realized you were serious.  When I read today a claim that you said that homosexuality could be cured by men drinking breast milk, well, I thought that had to be real as well.

In this political landscape it is so difficult to tell fact from fiction.  The claims seem to get more and more wild.  Please accept my apology for claiming that you would even consider that homosexuality could be cured from drinking breast milk.  Please accept my apology for my follow up piece that homosexuality could also be cured from touching Tinkerbell’s wings, swimming with mermaids and riding unicorns.  

Just like I’m sure you don’t believe that women can actually wish pregnancy away, we all know that homosexuality can’t be “cured” and nobody wishes it should be.  We are all God’s children and should leave the judging to God.

God bless you Congressman Akin and yes, my $3.00 is in the mail.

Your’s in satire,

Aimee

 

Message to Todd Akin from God

This just in.  God sent me a message to deliver to Akin.  God heard your prayers about staying in the race for Senate.  In fact he, no I’m sorry, she said enough already with the praying.  She got your message…all of your messages.  

She wants me to tell you that she is proud of you for standing up and apologizing for saying that any form of rape is legitimate.  She knows you messed up and didn’t mean that.  Nobody in their right mind would say that rape of any sort would be legitimate.

God is still angry.  See you left out a key part that you didn’t apologize for.  You didn’t apologize for implying that women can just will a pregnancy from happening.  In the controversial statement, you seemed to imply that if women didn’t want to get pregnant, we could just think it away and it wouldn’t happen.  God said she spent countless hours designing our amazing female reproductive system and to imply that our system could be circumvented by a few strong thoughts is crazy.

Since you are looking to God so heavily to decide if you are staying in this race or not, I thought I should give you some direct feedback from upstairs.  Just a little FYI, God also doesn’t agree with your position on the morning-after pill either.  See the morning-after pill is not the abortion pill.  She says she wouldn’t have given doctors the ability to come up with this technology if she didn’t want people in our society to be able to better regulate their fertility.  She wanted me to remind you that the morning-after pill changes the lining of the uterus so that an egg will be less likely to implant into the walls of the uterus.  It is not the abortion pill like many people believe.  She said for you to be against the morning-after pill is just plain wrong. If you are against the morning-after pill you are against birth control. She wanted me to remind women that if you stay in the race, this alone could hurt your chances with voters, because of your extremist views on birth control. 

God also thought Piers Morgan’s empty seat last night on his show representing you was pretty funny.  God has a wicked sense of humor.

Anyway, Rep. Akin, your prayers are coming through loud and clear.  Consider adding to your apology.  God and American women are listening.

Thanks,

God via Aimee

 

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