A New Diet Called The GOP

Diet Update – Add Dennys and Jimmy Johns to the GOP Diet Plan

I don’t know about you, but I am not happy about my weight.  It seems like there just aren’t enough hours in the day to cook the healthy balanced meals for my family that I want.  Not to mention the cost of fresh fruit and vegetables just keeps going up.  Like most Americans, I often rely on fast food or convenience chain-restaurants to feed my family.  What’s the result?  Ever increasing clothing sizes, less energy and sluggish health.

Now it’s time for a change.

That’s why I’m putting my family on the new diet – The GOP Diet!

The G.O.P. Diet stands for Get Off (the) Pounds.

It’s the latest thing to come out of Washington.  It’s so easy to follow.  Just follow the conservative outrage.  Just a few easy steps and you will find the pounds simply melting away.

Firs step is simply watch the news.  Yes, that’s right.  Sit yourself down in front of the TV or computer and just watch the headlines.  It seems that every day a CEO of a major restaurant chain is coming out with an outrageous statement regarding Obamacare or some “liberal agenda”.

Take for example the CEO of Papa John’s pizza chain.  He is threatening to lay off employees instead of cover their health insurance when Obamacare kicks in.

From now on, I don’t eat any more Papa John’s pizza.  Think of all the calories I’ll save and all the pounds I’ll lose!  It’s that easy.  No tricky diets to follow or complicated meal plans.  Papa John’s CEO lives in his mega mansion, but refuses to cover health care for his employees and I save hundreds of calories by not eating his pizza.

Zane Tankel, owner of over 40 franchize Applebee’s also has said he won’t hire, because of Obamacare.  http://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2012/11/applebees-ceo-zane-tankel-says-he-wont-hire-because-of-obamacare-video/

Hey Zane, here is a win-win.  Calm down Zane (love the name BTW), because I’m not eating at your establishment anymore.  The win in all this, is I’ll end up looking fabulous by not doing so!  We all know your menu is calorie heavy, the stuff I end up ordering anyway – wings, spin dip and mozz sticks.  No more for me!  It’s so simple people.  Join me and we will all end up dropping our BMI’s in the process.

Chick-fil-A – don’t like gay marriage?  It’s on the GOP diet plan.  No more Chick-fil-A for me!

The only exercise required on the GOP diet plan is the occasional protest outside of a Chick-fil-A for marriage equality.   The complete diet plan is always changing so you never get bored.  It changes daily and will guarantee to be added to as more greedy CEOs come out claiming their “bottom-line” will be severely affected by Obamacare.  Their message will probably come from their multi-million dollar mansions as they Skype this message in from their private putting green.

The plan is so simple – follow the conservative outrage and the pounds simply melt away!

I’ll update the new diet as we hear more.  In the meantime, to follow the GOP diet, remember, no Papa John’s pizza, no Applebee’s from Zane’s franchises and no Chick-fil-A.

Here’s to a skinnier Democratic Party!

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How I went from a nice Jewish liberal girl to a Christian conservative who hunts

The conservative media is in a tizzy this week because of video surfacing that a young President Barack Obama hugged his law school professor Derrick Bell at Harvard. (insert gasp) Derrick Bell was the first tenured African American law professor at Harvard and he came up with the “Critical Race Theory”. Please click here to learn more:

http://spacrs.wordpress.com/what-is-critical-race-theory/

The reason this is causing such a stir among conservatives, is they believe this hug provides further proof that Obama must hate white people. The hug seals the deal that everything Derrick Bell believed Obama must also believe. Obama is guilty by association.

OMG! I have some confessions to make that I wasn’t even aware of until Andrew Breibert, the conservative blogger who died recently, may he rest in peace, brought this to light. Seems like anybody a person comes in contact with or has associated with in the past makes them guilty by association. That made me start to think of some of the people I have associated with in the past and what that must make me.

I’m a hunter. I have never picked up a gun. I’ve been very vocal about gun control and even marched on Washington for the Million Mom March, but I have friends who hunt. I personally could never think to shoot and kill something, but according to this definition of guilty by association, I am a hunter. I look horrid in that camo gear and absolutely hate the idea of sitting in a tree for eight hours, but I guess I need to get used to it. Don’t you have to be quiet while hunting? Have you ever met me? Do you think it would be o.k. to bejewel some of that hunting wear? I am sure the animals would be good with some bling.

I believe in traditional family values. I am currently divorced, working a full time job and raising a child by myself, but I know people who believe in the traditional role of women to be at home raising the children while the man is at work. These people still believe the man is the head decision-maker of the household. Well, I guess my first step is to find a man and the second step would be to find my iron. I am practicing saying, “yes dear” convincingly with a smile plastered on my face. I am going to start looking for any man in a sweater vest as my first candidate to run my household. That seems to be the trend these days.

I am an anti-Semite. Yes, I know I am Jewish and this seems like a conflict. (Oy vey, my parents are having a heart attack) See I went to a Southern Baptist college and I encountered a lot of anti-Semites there. I was told I was going to hell and the Holocaust happened because the Jews “were wrong”. I guess because I knew these people for four years that makes me an anti-Semite. I had a sorority sister who died. When all of us sorority girls were gathered to mourn her death one said, “I’m comforted to know that I will see all of my sisters in heaven. I mean all except Aimee, because she doesn’t believe in Christ.” Ah, good sisterly love. Anyway, turns out I am with her on this based on the right wing media definition that just because you know a person your beliefs are theirs.

Last, but certainly not least, I am a Christian conservative. See I live in Kansas and you might have heard we love Santorum. My love, Kirk Cameron, is a Christian conservative. I guess now I believe Jesus Christ is my savor. I suddenly believe that dancing is Satan’s dance. Sex before marriage is a one way ticket to hell. Anybody who does not believe like I believe has been seduced by the devil. I love all people except those who don’t believe like I believe. I want prayer in school, Christian prayer only of course. I believe there is a war on Christmas and ignore that there are other religions out there. Everybody must say “Merry Christmas” only! I want the Ten Commandments in my government buildings and I ignore the first amendment in order to make that happen. Judging others is left to me and God and I feel empowered enough to act like I am God and tell everyone what is right and wrong in this world.

I, being a Christian conservative, know exactly what the founding fathers were thinking when they wrote anything. How do I know? I just know and since I’m a Christian conservative that is enough said on that topic. I love that I can do stuff like that since I am a Christian conservative. I feel drunk on power. No wait no alcohol that is Satan’s drink. I am high on life. That is o.k. because Pat Robertson said so.

So I went from a liberal Democrat, Jewish, single mom to a Christian conservative, who values a traditional marriage, hunts on the weekend and hates Jews all based on this same association the right wing media is using to link Barack Obama to the same views as his Harvard law professor. Just because we know someone and maybe even like them doesn’t make us the same person. I am not writing to declare Derrick Bell’s views right or wrong. I will leave that to others to hash out, but what I will say is Barack Obama is not Derrick Bell any more than Obama was his minister or any more than he is me. Although, I must admit that I wouldn’t mind being Michelle for a day or two….lucky lady!

OK mom and dad you can breath now. Can somebody revive my father? I’m still your nice Jewish girl well Jewish girl anyway, coming to Passover seder.

 

You are under arrest by the liberal police!

I was at an event last night.  It was a small event and it had a lovely table of wine, fruit, cheese/crackers, etc.  I had one of those nights where the cheese and crackers never tasted so good.  I could have pulled my chair right up to the table and feasted as if I were Henry VIII and this was my dinner table.  I managed to rely on the small plate and stack it up with the cheese and crackers in a ladylike fashion so not to humiliate myself with the chair pull up idea.  

After finishing off the white wine bottle and putting it in the trash – relax people I only had 2 glasses it wasn’t a Whitney moment (too soon?) – I threw the bottle away in the trash.  The woman behind me said, “do they recycle glass here?”

“I don’t know.  I don’t really recycle.” The words slipped right out of my mouth before I could yank them back in again.

I froze, she froze and the words just hung there like the stinky cheese I could not stop eating.  Jesus Christ, I am so busted.

The vision that instantly popped in my mind was that two police officers wearing badges that read “Liberal Police” storm in.  I throw my hands up against the wall and spread my legs ready to be handcuffed.  They read me my rights.

You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say can be used against you in the court of liberal public opinion.  You will appear before our judge the honorable Al Franken.  You may plead your case before him.

Wait officers!  See I am not such a bad person.  I may not be that into saving the earth one plastic bag at a time, but see I am all about abortion rights, contraception rights, I don’t wear fur, I support free speech, I am against guns, most wars, genocide, I wear sunscreen most of the time, I fight poverty, AIDS in Africa, I love animals except for possums, I speak out on racial issues, women’s issues, poor issues, just maybe not earth’s issues….

Too bad ma’am come with us.

Did I mention I have a wild imagination?

The woman who was shocked and horrified by my confession suggested she take the glass home with her to recycle.  I thought that was a great idea and I encouraged her to do so.  

Now I feel like I have to explain my neutral stance on recycling so I can plead to keep my liberal card. It’s not that I don’t recycle, it’s just not that I take extra measures to recycle.  For me it’s a convenience thing.  If the recycle bin is there, I will put my Diet Coke can in it.  If it is not there, I won’t.  It’s pretty simple.  You may now judge me.  I judge everyone else so please go for it.

I think the earth is a great place.  I have traveled around a great deal of it.  I also know that when the earth wants to it will destroy us almost instantly.  We watched the earth do that to Japan in one massive wave.  When the earth decides to do that, it is not going to care much if I recycled my plastic bags or not.  I know you are choking on your landfill arguments right now aren’t you?  That’s my whole story on recycling. It’s not very complicated or sophisticated.  Should we all do our part?  OK, but I just have a hard time believing that the amount of trash I have will make an impact on the thousands of years of trash to actually harm the earth.  (Somebody revive the environmentalist reading this please)  

What are my other thoughts on nature you ask?  I am not one of those people who is dying to go to Alaska.  I do not get it.  People go crazy over going to Alaska.   If I am cruising somewhere it will involve a temperature over 75 degrees and beaches I can stand in a bathing suit on.  Do I hate nature?  No, I don’t hate nature.  I am just bored by nature.  I have been to the Grand Canyon.  I went there, looked at it and in about 15 minutes I was done.  How long can a person stand and stare at something?

I have seen wild animals and here is how it goes:

“Look a moose.”

Reaction from people in the group. “Wow a moose.”

“Would you look at that.” someone says.

“Wow.” other’s reply.

That’s about it and everyone looks at the moose for about 10 minutes and interaction is over.  Maybe I have nature ADD?  I was traveled through fjords in New Zealand.  Absolutely amazing, but again the trip took over an hour and I was done in about 15 minutes. Vegas on the other hand, never bored.  Maybe there is medication to treat nature ADD.  I could use some.    

Do I feel cleansed by my recycling and nature confessions?  Well, I feel like when Mother Nature shows her fury, I will be the first to go.  I probably deserve it.

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