Gov. Brownback – my proposal to create jobs & restrict women’s rights at the same time: a microchip

Governor Brownback, or Sam.. can I call you Sam?  I think I’m going to call you Sam since you are working so hard to control my vagina, I think that means we are becoming pretty intimate.  So I see you are all about job creation for Kansas per your press release today.  Thank God, oh excuse me, “goodness” that is something we can agree on!  I don’t think there is a person, republican or democrat, who disagrees with job creation.  It’s a great thing and especially a great thing for Kansas.  Technology jobs are a great thing for Kansas.  I was thinking about that today and also thinking about all of the restrictive legislation our great state of KS has proposed to limit my rights as a woman.  What would be a great way to create jobs, especially those in the tech industry and continue your fight to turn back the clock on women’s health to something equal to that of the Victorian era?

Ah ha!  I’ve got it!  Microchips.  Microchips are the thing that can solve all of our problems.  I know that they can be used to implant in the family pet. If Fido gets out, it can send a signal back to command center “Find Fido” and family pet can instantly be located on GPS.    My proposal is we build a plant right here in the great state of KS and develop these microchips to implant in a woman’s vagina.  Now, it sounds radical, but so did mandatory vaginal ultrasounds at one point.

Stay with me here, the microchips can monitor every part of a woman’s cycle and report all of the findings to her state government.  This would include all sexual partners, any form of birth control and any attempts to abort any pregnancies.  Once Christian conservatives have their way and outlaw all contraception, it can monitor a woman’s cycle and report back to the woman the “safe” times in a woman’s cycle to have sex to avoid pregnancy by sending out a series of signals.  I think we need to work on the signal part.  I’m not sure if the signals should be beeps or vibrations.  The beeps could be too loud and the vibrations…well, we wouldn’t want the women to get sexually aroused.  I mean, we all know that sex is purely for procreation only.  There should be no arousal or pleasure from sex by conservative republican standards.  Vibrations are definitely out now that I think about it.  That settles it, beeps are in. That could be slightly awkward if the signals went off while at work.  Oh well, government legislation has made sex lives of women so public I guess we should all get used to knowing the intimate details of everyone.  The microchip could monitor the number of sexual partners a woman has so it could determine the “slut” factor of a woman and report that finding back to a woman’s employer, her political party, her church, the government.

Republicans are all for cutting the size of government except when it comes to overseeing women’s bodies so let’s create a new government department (oh, I know hypocrisy of it all – insert flirty laugh).  We will call it the Department of Vagina.  This department will be in charge of monitoring all of this data.  No need for gynecologists anymore with this microchip.  We can let the physicians know that if you aren’t delivering babies there is no need to be examining lady parts anymore.  The government has this handled thank you very much!  I think this is going to be great.  We develop and manufacture this microchip here in KS.  Think of all of the conservative states that will be lining up to order this, TX, OK, VA…the list is endless.

Let me know what you think Sam.  It is definitely a win-win for the state of KS.  We will look like we are pushing the boundaries of technology, creating jobs and playing God in the process.  Isn’t that really what you are after anyway?  I also want to recommend a state motto change – Kansas: where your vagina is everyone’s business.

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Rush, next time use protection

Dear Rush,

Since we are so busy handing out apologies today, I thought I would offer you my sincere apology.  See I guess I have also been wrong and I was not even aware of it until you pointed it out on your show today.  I tuned in to your show and it is not something I do usually, but since you called the Georgetown student a slut last week, I decided to tune in today.

Well, it was a great opportunity to hear you explain yourself further based on the standard written statement you released over the weekend when no one was really paying much attention.  So I listened and that is when I realized that it was really me who owed you an apology.  I had no idea that you were really the victim in this whole affair.

While you were explaining yourself, you made it very clear that you were so seduced by the liberal side of the debate on contraception and that is what made you fall from your usual high communication standards and caused you to call Ms. Fluke a “slut”. You pointed out it is usually only liberals and Democrats who participate in such name calling and your standards are so much higher than our standards.  It was only because of this momentary lapse of judgement that you allowed yourself to be brought down to our level and play the same types of games we Democrats play by calling out this woman as a “prostitute” as you say.

So, Mr. Limbaugh, with that I do offer my sincere apology.  I had no idea you were so easily brought down to my level of politics and national dialog.  Now mind you, the words, “slut” and “prostitute” were your words alone.  You picked those words to describe this young woman.  The level that I choose to reside at when discussing a category of individuals usually goes like this; underserved, disadvantaged, wealthy, elitist, man, woman, wife, husband, Christian, Jew, African American, Caucasian.  These are the ones I generally use.  I can see how these words confuse you and you believe are similar to the words you picked.  I can also see how your level of political analysis and dialog is so much higher and my level is so much lower.  For this I am truly sorry.  I had no idea the power of my liberalness and the pull of the left wing in this nation toward inclusion could be so seductive and could cause you to so easily fall off your pedestal.   Ah, the power of the ….what is it?  It starts with a “p”?  Politics, yes politics is the word I’m looking for.

I hope now that your apology is out there to the American people, you can dust yourself off and put yourself back up on that higher level.  The level where exclusion is much more important than inclusion.  The level where life is grand provided you have the money to be able to maintain membership to this higher level club.  Continue to fight hard against us, Mr. Limbaugh with our moral arguments that everyone should be equal and decent healthcare should be available to all not just to those who can afford it.  I know that kind of talk is just dirty and so obscene that it makes you say things like women who use birth control are sluts.  I know, I know that kind of talk just brings out the worst in you and I understand why.  Get comfortable in that elevated club of conservatism.  I know!  Maybe you should build a fence around it?  A golden fence and it should be patrolled by border agents.  That way you can never be seduced off of it by our liberal pull.

A word to the wise, if you should happen to be seduced down to our level again, maybe you should consider using protection?  It may prevent you in the future from having words like “slut” and “prostitute” slip out of your mouth again.  When you use protection, things won’t happen that you don’t plan to have happen in the first place.  Then you don’t end up having to pay for the consequences for the rest of your life.  The consequences can be extremely costly as I think you are finding out with your advertisers now using the rhythm method and all pulling out.

Sincerely,

Aimee Patton

I’m sorry, no really really sorry, kinda sorry, I think.

Well, Rush apologized. Only after a twitter war erupted that was nuclear in strength did he apologize. Only after sponsors began jumping ship from public pressure did he finally retreat. Only after deafening criticism from politicians and media did the giant finally fall. Then when he finally offered the olive branch it was on a Saturday, when no one really pays any attention, except news nerds like me, and it went something like this, “This is Rush, I am sorry I called the student a slut. My point still stands however, but I guess I’m not as funny as I thought. Love, Rush.” Of course these are my words, not his, but I will save you the agony of reading the forced statement.

I have always been told the sincerity of an apology can be found in the content of the apology. If the apology is only an apology then it is sincere. If the apology is followed up by the further stressing of the original point, then it really isn’t an apology. The old, “I’m sorry, but blah blah blah” doesn’t really mean the person is truly sorry. I’ll admit, I am a debater by heart, and I struggle with this. I have insulted people when arguing a point I am passionate about. For clarification, I have never insulted anyone like Rush did and would never think to, but I know I have stuck my foot in my mouth a time or two. In the past, whenever I have apologized I have been very mindful to only apologize and never to continue arguing my point. That is the entire reason for apologizing. If I offend someone I never do it on purpose. To show that it was not on purpose, I only apologize for the offense and that is all. To continuing arguing my point shows that maybe there was intent to insult. Rush does not do this and continues to argue his point in the apology. This is why, I believe, his apology is not sincere. But I am just one in a jury of millions.

So will this be enough to calm the masses? This fury train left the station long ago. Now, there is an “occupy Rush” planned for Monday. People furious with Rush plan to call in to his show to basically cause a virtual sit in and clog his phone lines. First, there was the apology demanded and now people want him fired. Will he be “fired”? I use quotes, because if he ends up fired from one station, he will find a home at another. The fact is that Rush makes money. Millions of dollars are made from Rush and that means his job is secure. As awful and disgusting as I think the man’s rhetoric is, he will have his show somewhere. I admit that I tuned in last week to hear his show the day after “slutgate”. What was he talking about? Some study from Britain that sited that a certain number of women would pick bigger boobs over higher IQs. With all of the interesting political things to discuss, this is what he picked…boobs. Not Iran, the situation in Syria or even the number of domestic issues here at home, but boobs.

So now we wait and see. Will this be enough? I don’t know. I think the fury that has been unleashed is partly towards Rush and the other part is generally towards the Republicans for the way they have handled this whole contraception debate in the first place. However, I do have one point to make with my side. I am irritated at my side for this overwhelming need to defend ourselves and justify why we use contraceptives in the first place. I have read the Facebook posts and tweets and almost all of them center around the medical reasons for contraception. So many women are telling their stories from the medical side of things. I am guilty of that as well. I make no secret of the fact that I used continuous birth control pills for years to control extreme endomeitriosis and PCOS until an emergency hysterectomy at 33. However, what I think is missing are the voices of women who are proud to say that they use contraception to have monogamous, responsible sex and prevent pregnancy. I think more women should be shouting that loud and proud in this debate because the people they are having this great monogamous and responsible sex with is men or they wouldn’t need the contraception in the first place. To admit this fact does not make women “sluts” as Rush says. To admit this makes us sexually liberated and that is something our mothers and grandmothers fought for in the 60s.

I don’t understand how a stripper pole aerobics class can find its way to the suburbs of most American cities, but women can’t stand up in this country and admit that they want affordable contraception in this country so they can have active sex lives and not have the added stress of unplanned pregnancies. It was not that long ago that America was religiously watching Sex and the City to see how four fabulous New York women lived their lives and no one called them “sluts”, well maybe Samantha. I think the problem with people like Rush and his comments is the assumption that women who use contraception are sleeping around with many men. That is old school thinking Gentlemen and it isn’t anyone’s damn business. I just don’t think it matters if contraception is for medical reasons or family planning reasons. I don’t think a person should have to justify either way to make sure it is available. I guess I am here to say, to those women who aren’t suffering from unbearable girlie gut problems, but still want contraception, you go girl! I mean it is 2012, not 1912 (snap).

With that awesomeness, I say good night.

From one slut to another

First, a quick Mazel Tov to Snooki on her pregnancy.  Can we all just have a moment of silence in hopes that there is no reality show involving this pregnancy, no book involving pregnancy or mommy advice from Snooki.  May she just find herself a nice little house in the burbs of Jersey and raise her little Snookette quietly. Amen.

Rush…Rush Limbaugh.  One can only  hope that his most recent rant was from some drug filled relapse from his prescription drug abusing days, because this one is a biggie.  In case you missed it Rush went on a rant about the Georgetown student who testified in the contraception hearings and offered this:

“What does it say about the college coed Susan Fluke [sic], who goes before a congressional committee and essentially says that she must be paid to have sex? What does that make her? It makes her a slut, right? It makes her a prostitute. She wants to be paid to have sex.

“She’s having so much sex she can’t afford the contraception. She wants you and me and the taxpayers to pay her to have sex. What does that make us? We’re the pimps.

“The johns, that’s right. We would be the johns — no! We’re not the johns. Well — yeah, that’s right. Pimp’s not the right word.”

I can’t believe Rush went there.  Will he apologize?  Does it matter?

The GOP must be handing out the Tums by the buckets.  Didn’t women already fight this fight back in the 60′s?

It is only because science has yet to develop a birth control method for men more advanced than the condom or less radical than sterilization that women are shouldering the burden of contraception.  If we take away the argument that birth control pills, IUDs, and Depo Provera are used to help so many gynecological problems that women suffer from and just talk about them from a fertility stand point, women should be applauded for shouldering the financial burden of helping to control our population and allowing our partners to enjoy a healthy sexual relationship without the added consequence of pregnancy.

I worked in Title X for two years.  I met clinicians who work in public health departments all over the country who see these “sluts” coming in for contraception.  These “sluts” were able to work, go to school and raise their families that they already had because of the great program of Title X.  I don’t view the women who need assistance with paying for contraception as prostitutes or sluts.  I view these women the same way I would view people who need assistance with diabetes medication or any other medication that keep them valuable members of our society.

So, Rush are you a “john”? Don’t flatter yourself.  What are you?  Someone who just added votes to the Democratic side and for that I thank you.  If this Georgetown student is a slut than so am I and I know a lot of other educated women who also would stand up and declare themselves sluts as well.

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