Aimee Patton

A pleasantly eccentric take on politics

I was at an event last night.  It was a small event and it had a lovely table of wine, fruit, cheese/crackers, etc.  I had one of those nights where the cheese and crackers never tasted so good.  I could have pulled my chair right up to the table and feasted as if I were Henry VIII and this was my dinner table.  I managed to rely on the small plate and stack it up with the cheese and crackers in a ladylike fashion so not to humiliate myself with the chair pull up idea.  

After finishing off the white wine bottle and putting it in the trash – relax people I only had 2 glasses it wasn’t a Whitney moment (too soon?) – I threw the bottle away in the trash.  The woman behind me said, “do they recycle glass here?”

“I don’t know.  I don’t really recycle.” The words slipped right out of my mouth before I could yank them back in again.

I froze, she froze and the words just hung there like the stinky cheese I could not stop eating.  Jesus Christ, I am so busted.

The vision that instantly popped in my mind was that two police officers wearing badges that read “Liberal Police” storm in.  I throw my hands up against the wall and spread my legs ready to be handcuffed.  They read me my rights.

You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say can be used against you in the court of liberal public opinion.  You will appear before our judge the honorable Al Franken.  You may plead your case before him.

Wait officers!  See I am not such a bad person.  I may not be that into saving the earth one plastic bag at a time, but see I am all about abortion rights, contraception rights, I don’t wear fur, I support free speech, I am against guns, most wars, genocide, I wear sunscreen most of the time, I fight poverty, AIDS in Africa, I love animals except for possums, I speak out on racial issues, women’s issues, poor issues, just maybe not earth’s issues….

Too bad ma’am come with us.

Did I mention I have a wild imagination?

The woman who was shocked and horrified by my confession suggested she take the glass home with her to recycle.  I thought that was a great idea and I encouraged her to do so.  

Now I feel like I have to explain my neutral stance on recycling so I can plead to keep my liberal card. It’s not that I don’t recycle, it’s just not that I take extra measures to recycle.  For me it’s a convenience thing.  If the recycle bin is there, I will put my Diet Coke can in it.  If it is not there, I won’t.  It’s pretty simple.  You may now judge me.  I judge everyone else so please go for it.

I think the earth is a great place.  I have traveled around a great deal of it.  I also know that when the earth wants to it will destroy us almost instantly.  We watched the earth do that to Japan in one massive wave.  When the earth decides to do that, it is not going to care much if I recycled my plastic bags or not.  I know you are choking on your landfill arguments right now aren’t you?  That’s my whole story on recycling. It’s not very complicated or sophisticated.  Should we all do our part?  OK, but I just have a hard time believing that the amount of trash I have will make an impact on the thousands of years of trash to actually harm the earth.  (Somebody revive the environmentalist reading this please)  

What are my other thoughts on nature you ask?  I am not one of those people who is dying to go to Alaska.  I do not get it.  People go crazy over going to Alaska.   If I am cruising somewhere it will involve a temperature over 75 degrees and beaches I can stand in a bathing suit on.  Do I hate nature?  No, I don’t hate nature.  I am just bored by nature.  I have been to the Grand Canyon.  I went there, looked at it and in about 15 minutes I was done.  How long can a person stand and stare at something?

I have seen wild animals and here is how it goes:

“Look a moose.”

Reaction from people in the group. “Wow a moose.”

“Would you look at that.” someone says.

“Wow.” other’s reply.

That’s about it and everyone looks at the moose for about 10 minutes and interaction is over.  Maybe I have nature ADD?  I was traveled through fjords in New Zealand.  Absolutely amazing, but again the trip took over an hour and I was done in about 15 minutes. Vegas on the other hand, never bored.  Maybe there is medication to treat nature ADD.  I could use some.    

Do I feel cleansed by my recycling and nature confessions?  Well, I feel like when Mother Nature shows her fury, I will be the first to go.  I probably deserve it.


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