One of my favorite evangelicals, only 2nd to Jerry Falwell, said something today that had pot smokers around the world inhaling a bit deeper:
“I really believe we should treat marijuana the way we treat beverage alcohol,” Robertson told the newspaper. “If people can go into a liquor store and buy a bottle of alcohol and drink it at home legally, then why do we say that the use of this other substance is somehow criminal?”
Holy hell! Did he just say that? First thing this does is confirm a winner for the Madness of King George contest I’ve secretly been running. Second, smoke ’em if you got ’em. The religious guy who has God on speed dial said it was okey dokey.
Does someone want to tell me what the hell a “beverage alcohol” is exactly? Is that the same as “The” Facebook or trousers. Dude, 1911 called and they want their vocabulary back. Pat may be dialing up 1911 lingo, but he is very 2012 on his drug position. I’ll admit, he shocked the hell out of me.
Now, for those of us who completed the Just Say No project back in 1984, we know that marijuana is a gateway drug. I will stand up proud to say that I was one of the very first graduates from this ground breaking program founded by Nancy Reagan. I was so influenced by this Just Say No philosophy that I went a step further and applied it to all Republican positions as well as drugs. Well done Nancy Reagan!
Anyway, with Pat Robertson uttering this gateway phrase today about marijuana, one can only assume this is going to lead to bigger, more dangerous phrases. I can only ask….what’s next? The same way we watched Lindsay Lohan or “LiLo” spiral out of control on her drug filled crime spree, are we going to see Pat Robertson or “PaRo” as I’ll now refer to him also spiral out of control with bigger and more dangerous statements?
It’s only a matter of time until we see PaRo hanging out at Chateau Marmont with the other A lister celebrities shouting out statements uncontrollably like, “No drug screening for welfare recipients.” or worse “let women decide what type of contraception they want for themselves.” Possibly it could be so bad that it could come to this, “Feminism encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.”
Just kidding with that last one, it was a real quote. But if it was really out of control, he might say something like “homosexuals should be able to marry, because two responsible people in love is a beautiful thing.”
You know what we, as compassionate and caring people, will have to do? That’s right, we will have to stage an intervention. It can’t be an intimate intervention either. We will have to call A&E and stage our intervention right at Chateau Marmont when PaRo is getting his party on drinking his beverage alcohol some Friday night. Expect things to get ugly. I hope we get the gray haired Intervention guy. He seems to be the best one on that show. I can see it now, the gray haired guy coaching God, Jesus & the Holy Ghost.
“Ok God, I’m gonna need you to block the door if he tries to make a run for it. Jesus, are you ready with your letter? Holy Ghost, try not to cry when we say he is cut off from the house if he doesn’t stop with these crazy statements.” said grey haired Intervention guy.
I am sure we will get PaRo into rehab where everything will be o.k. and he will hopefully stay clean and away from shocking comments for good. Most of the Intervention stories end up happy after the commercial for Promises rehab on TV. I am positive this one will end up great as well.
Let’s make this a lesson people. This comment that marijuana should be legal seems harmless enough, but we all know where this is headed. It’s just the first step into a long journey of other shocking comments. Each one will become more and more shocking until PaRo will no longer recognize his former self. He may even end up, dare I say it, a liberal (gasp, shock, horror). I make this attempt now for good Christian Americans to do something now. Do something now before this leads to worse statements down the road. As Nancy Reagan once stated, “just say no.”
Good luck PaRo. I hope I don’t see you on SNL reading from cue cards almost unrecognizable from too many cheek filler injections and trying desperately to repair your image as a flaming liberal back to a fundamental Christian conservative. For the record, let me just say, Nancy Reagan and I warned you.