I started listening to myself this morning as I was getting myself ready for work and my daughter ready for school. Harry is our cat. I thought this would make a funny one woman play starring someone like Debra Messing or Kate Walsh as me. Here is what came out of my mouth this morning in a one hour time span from 6:30 am – 7:30 am:
Good morning sweetie. Time to get up. Are you up? Come on, I said get up. Go on. It’s time to start your day. Get dressed. Hurry up and get dressed. (15 minutes pass) Did you brush your teeth? Brush your teeth? Did you brush your hair? Get out of the sink Harry. Get down. I said get down. Get your socks on. Where are your shoes. Get out of the cabinets, Harry. Go on, get out. I said, get your shoes on. I don’t want to see you again until you have shoes on your feet. No, goldfish are not for breakfast. Yes, you can have a glass of milk. Get the cat off the table. Harry, get off the table. Do you have your shoes on? No, you don’t need a bra you are only 5. Yes, you will grow boobies when you get older. Yes, that is funny. Now go get your shoes on. Get the cat out of the sink on your way upstairs. Harry, get out of the sink. Did you brush your teeth like I said? I’m serious. No, I’m not angry just frustrated because my daughter won’t listen. No I won’t “simmer down”. Where did you learn “simmer down”? Back to the point, brush your teeth. I’ve got 5 minutes and then I’m out the door. Did I say five? I meant two. Hurry up. I said you are eating breakfast at school. Grab a juice box for the car. Stop singing “simmer down”. It’s not a song and it’s not funny. No I’m not laughing. Let’s go. I’m leaving right now.
Out the door…
Get in the car and get buckled in. Are you buckled in? I said, get buckled in. I’m not talking to you until you are buckled in. Didn’t I say goldfish aren’t for breakfast? How did you get the goldfish? Where is your coat? Did you bring your coat? Yes, I have the Mama Mia CD. I know, Sophie didn’t get married because she didn’t go to college first. Yes, all girls should go to college first before getting married. Remember, no getting married until you are at least 30. No, I won’t stop singing because it hurts your ears. We’re here. Get out of the car please. Put your coat on. No, it’s not warm enough to go without a coat. Put your coat on. I don’t care that you think it’s too hot. Put your coat on. Now. Put your coat on now. It’s really not the end of the world. When you are a mom, you can make the rules.
This is dedicated to all the moms out there who wonder why one simple task has them so exhausted. To mom’s with more than one child, I honestly don’t know how you do it. To those who read this and think they could do it better than I can, please judge me. I judge you all the time. It’s only fair. Anyway, I’m too exhausted to defend myself.
A suburban mom of one