Governor Brownback, or Sam.. can I call you Sam? I think I’m going to call you Sam since you are working so hard to control my vagina, I think that means we are becoming pretty intimate. So I see you are all about job creation for Kansas per your press release today. Thank God, oh excuse me, “goodness” that is something we can agree on! I don’t think there is a person, republican or democrat, who disagrees with job creation. It’s a great thing and especially a great thing for Kansas. Technology jobs are a great thing for Kansas. I was thinking about that today and also thinking about all of the restrictive legislation our great state of KS has proposed to limit my rights as a woman. What would be a great way to create jobs, especially those in the tech industry and continue your fight to turn back the clock on women’s health to something equal to that of the Victorian era?
Ah ha! I’ve got it! Microchips. Microchips are the thing that can solve all of our problems. I know that they can be used to implant in the family pet. If Fido gets out, it can send a signal back to command center “Find Fido” and family pet can instantly be located on GPS. My proposal is we build a plant right here in the great state of KS and develop these microchips to implant in a woman’s vagina. Now, it sounds radical, but so did mandatory vaginal ultrasounds at one point.
Stay with me here, the microchips can monitor every part of a woman’s cycle and report all of the findings to her state government. This would include all sexual partners, any form of birth control and any attempts to abort any pregnancies. Once Christian conservatives have their way and outlaw all contraception, it can monitor a woman’s cycle and report back to the woman the “safe” times in a woman’s cycle to have sex to avoid pregnancy by sending out a series of signals. I think we need to work on the signal part. I’m not sure if the signals should be beeps or vibrations. The beeps could be too loud and the vibrations…well, we wouldn’t want the women to get sexually aroused. I mean, we all know that sex is purely for procreation only. There should be no arousal or pleasure from sex by conservative republican standards. Vibrations are definitely out now that I think about it. That settles it, beeps are in. That could be slightly awkward if the signals went off while at work. Oh well, government legislation has made sex lives of women so public I guess we should all get used to knowing the intimate details of everyone. The microchip could monitor the number of sexual partners a woman has so it could determine the “slut” factor of a woman and report that finding back to a woman’s employer, her political party, her church, the government.
Republicans are all for cutting the size of government except when it comes to overseeing women’s bodies so let’s create a new government department (oh, I know hypocrisy of it all – insert flirty laugh). We will call it the Department of Vagina. This department will be in charge of monitoring all of this data. No need for gynecologists anymore with this microchip. We can let the physicians know that if you aren’t delivering babies there is no need to be examining lady parts anymore. The government has this handled thank you very much! I think this is going to be great. We develop and manufacture this microchip here in KS. Think of all of the conservative states that will be lining up to order this, TX, OK, VA…the list is endless.
Let me know what you think Sam. It is definitely a win-win for the state of KS. We will look like we are pushing the boundaries of technology, creating jobs and playing God in the process. Isn’t that really what you are after anyway? I also want to recommend a state motto change – Kansas: where your vagina is everyone’s business.