Aimee Patton

A pleasantly eccentric take on politics

Burlington Coat Factory, Olathe, KS

If you haven’t been paying attention lately, the women of this country are on fire and suddenly very interested in a certain piece of literature. I don’t even have to mention the title for everyone to know exactly what I’m talking about. The conversation usually starts like this, “Guess what I’m reading?” said in the most sing-songy way possible. Everybody knows the answer and it seems everyone in suburban America is reading it.

Full disclosure: I haven’t read it yet. I intend to, but I have been too busy reading a book on how to have a new child by Friday. That is really part of the title. I’m currently dealing with intense control issues of a 5 year old so I’m desperate to learn any tactic I can so I don’t completely lose my shit. I decide to put parenting advice reading above my suburban mom acceptable porn. However, now that I think about it, maybe I should put the porn first and that would make me much more chilled out and able to handle the power struggle between a tense mom and her stubborn 5 year old? Possibly rethinking tactic…I’ll get back to you on this.

Back to the topic about “the book”, I find it fascinating that this book is so acceptable in mainstream conversations. Moms sharing it with their adult daughters. Grown women discussing it at dinner conversation. Work friends comparing notes. What gives? Why is this girl porn o.k. but other types of porn not o.k.? I even find evidence of this sudden sexual liberation at my local Burlington Coat Factory by nighties as suggested “Daywear”. Trust me on this people who read my blog who aren’t from around here, this BCF is about 30 minutes from Hookerville so the demographic of this one is middle-aged suburban mom. Women on poles as a profession are not shopping in Olathe, KS for their uniforms. Is this a simple merchandising mistake or a not so subtle result of mainstream porn, excuse me “erotica”, that all of our suburban moms are reading? Are we all ready to nightie it up in the daytime? (I call the blue number at the bottom to wear to play tennis).

The other interesting observation I’ll make is that suburban women are VERY territorial about their porn. I had a guy friend of mine mention that he was reading “the book”. Wait a minute buddy! You can’t read “the book”. You are a guy. If you want your porn, it is perfectly acceptable for you to walk into any convenience store and simply buy a porno magazine. You can order up your porn from any cable company and not be mortified about what the cable company is going to think when “Hot, Horny, Sluts” shows up on your cable bill. You are a guy and these things are expected of you. We are women. We don’t get that luxury. We can’t mention, not even a little, that we may, just may, like porn. Our suburban mom cards will be revoked. We would be kicked off of the soccer sidelines. Our minivans would be repossessed. We would never be allowed in the zero entry kiddie pool again. This book is OURS. When I even mentioned to my girlfriends about my guy friend reading “the book” I got the exact same reaction that I had. He had NO RIGHT to read our book. I felt like they were ready to light the torches and march over to his house demanding “the book” back immediately. He had taken from us our one wonderful, mainstream acceptable “erotic” treat.

Consider this a warning my male friends. Stay away from our erotica. You have your porno and we have “the book”. And now, according to Burlington Coat Factory, we have a new definition of “Daywear”.


One thought on ““The Book” Men, keep your hands off!

  1. Amy B says:

    SO funny! And so true. I can’t walk around a corner without hearing someone talk about “the book”.

    On a side note, don’t rush to read “the book”. I know I am not alone, but I am the only one talking…there is a lot more, better written erotica out there!

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