Aimee Patton

A pleasantly eccentric take on politics

I’m in middle America and it’s freaking hot. 102, 105 and even 107 is expected. No rain.

I am a menopausal woman in the middle of an oppressive drought and heatwave. My internal body temperature averages 120 degrees. I have a theory that if my internal body temperature ever meets the external air temperature I will actually melt. (Associations to the Wicked Witch reference can be made now.) If this happens and I’m standing on your dying lawn consider it a gift of a free watering. If it happens in a parking lot you could possibly get a free car wash. Have your soap ready. I may be your only source for any moisture in the area for a long time.

I am concerned about this very real possibility of my melting so I went searching for answers to the heat wave. My first stop was to our local weather blog:

I scrolled right down to the comments section looking for answers. I just happened to be watching the Real Housewives of the OC Reunion Part 2 at the same time. A fight that only Andy Cohen could have hosted erupted on the weather site comment section:

TushguyKC: you said it was going to be 102 degrees! It’s 105 degrees! Damn you Mr. Weatherman

Angryfarmer: Our entire nation’s food supply is at risk because you forecasted 101 degrees and it is 103 degrees! Damn you to hell Mr. Weatherman.

Ok, so maybe it didn’t read exactly like that, but you get my drift. There were so many comments screaming about the heat and I’m watching the RHOC so I can’t tell where one stopped and the other began. I’m just going to blame Brooks and Vicki for the heat wave in Kansas City.

So then I looked to the heavens for answers. Please God, give me an answer to help me understand why you would make a menopausal gal suffer in such an oppressive heatwave. I would understand this if I were enjoying my retirement playing Mah Jongg in Phoenix. but I’m here in the Midwest and it is WAY TOO HOT! Just at that time, I happened to look down at my iPhone that was open to a news app.

Headline: “Boy Scouts uphold longtime ban on gays.”

It’s the Boy Scouts. The Boy Scouts are doing this to me. It is my sign from God. Preachers get signs from God all the time. Why would God just limit signs to preachers and not be able to send one to a menopausal gal from the Midwest on her iPhone with a news app?

A local Eagle Scout was kicked out of the Boy Scouts after disclosing his sexuality.

The Boy Scouts did a two year study to decide if they should uphold the ban.

A two year study? Seriously? Our military has decided that it’s time to stop with Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and these are soldiers that live in tight quarters under extreme conditions, but you tell me that an organization that ties knots and has badges for helping old people cross the street has to examine a question like this for two years? Now I don’t know what the two year study actually included, but in my mind a questionnaire went out to Scout Leaders reading like this:

Question 1: How does homosexuality make you feel?

a. Super, duper creepy.

b. Kinda super, duper creepy.

c. No problem with it. It’s 2012 and homosexuality is a non-issue.

d. Like I want to be the grand marshal of the gay pride parade!!

Scoring: answers a, b & c mean the ban is upheld

A statement from the National Executive Committee said this,

“Scouting believes that good people can personally disagree on this topic and still work together to achieve the life-changing benefits to youth through Scouting. While not all Board members may personally agree with this policy, and may choose a different direction for their own organizations, BSA leadership agrees this is the best policy for the organization and supports it for the BSA.”

My message from God to the Boy Scouts via me:
Stop the ban on homosexuality. It’s 2012 and you are talking about an organization for boys where a child does not knowingly enter the Scouts with any understanding of their sexuality – either homo or hetero. It’s not like a country club that doesn’t allow Jews and I would join using my gentile last name to get in anyway and knowingly put myself in a situation to face discrimination. (Not that I would do that, even if they do have a great pool and golf course)
God says that unless you are going to start offering badges for kissing girls, dating girls or judging Playboy centerfolds, a ban on homosexuality is unnecessary and hurtful in a time when kids are killing themselves because of the hatred they experience as homosexuals.
Oh and God also said that Andy Cohen is looking fab these days and we should be new BFFs. Andy – call me.
It’s now on you Boy Scouts. Stop the heat wave. Do the right thing. My life depends on it. Toss your two year study (don’t burn it, there is a burn ban because of the drought) and tell kids in America that sexuality has nothing to do with scouting.

One thought on “God says heat wave continues until gays allowed in Boy Scouts

  1. It is scientifically proven you will not melt. At these temperatures you simply burst into flames and collapse in a pile of ashes.

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