Aimee Patton

A pleasantly eccentric take on politics

Hold on to your deep dish, the founder and CEO of Papa John’s pizza made an announcement that his pizza costs are going up.  Why the spike in your cheese and pepperoni pizza?   Healthcare reform is causing Papa John’s to be forced to offer health care insurance to their employees.  It’s Obama’s fault that the cost of your pizza is going up.

Now the perks of a Papa John’s delivery drive are already too numerous to list.  You may not know this, but Papa John’s employees have many more perks besides receiving excellent, base-level pay delivering pizzas to the American dinner table.   Offering employees health insurance is just icing the cake for Papa John employees that already have the following lesser known benefits:

  • Each employee receives a company car.  Every time I answer my door for my delicious Papa John’s pizza I am frequently blinded by the glare of the brand new Merecedes that each driver has parked in front of my house.  Papa John’s offers only the finest fleet of top-of-the-line automobiles to each of their drivers.
  • All employees are always dressed in their finest Papa John’s pizza uniforms.  Similar to our Olympic athletes, each employee is styling  in the latest Ralph Lauren designs when they deliver my large veggie combo.
  • How many pizza chains can claim they offer a chauffeur for their delivery drivers?  Papa John’s drivers don’t drive; they sit in style as a chauffeur drives them from hungry house to hungry house again in those beautiful Mercedes.
  • Since each employee stands on their feet all day making our favorite pizza pies, Papa John’s brings in masseurs to keep our pizza makers in tip-top shape with regular, on-site massage.
  • Each employee also already receives sessions with financial planners who help them make wise, offshore  investments with their plentiful salaries.  One can’t just deposit millions in salaries in a regular bank.  Each employee is set up with offshore bank accounts in exotic locations all over the world.

With all of these perks, how can Papa John’s be expect to offer yet another benefit like health insurance?  Obama, how dare you force this American business to offer a benefit that allows each worker to seek out medical care without financial bankrupting them?  Covering health insurance means that each employee and their families can go to their doctor when needed.   I sympathize with Papa John’s for this outrageous request.  Thanks Papa John CEO for pointing out this outrageous requirement.  I may be able to afford the extra few cents increase to my pizza so employees can have health insurance, but I may have to stop ordering Papa John’s pizza just so I can send a strong message to Obama.  American businesses can’t be bullied like this.   I guess I’ll just have to order my pizza from another pizza restaurant so that Papa John’s can continue to prove their point about this out-of-line request on a business owner.   That will show Obama for causing pizzagate.  Shame on you Mr. President.

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