Aimee Patton

A pleasantly eccentric take on politics

It turns out there have been a list of breakout sessions added to the Republican National Convention.  Even though the convention is packed full with such hot names like Mike Huckabee, Jeb Bush and Chris Christie.  If you have time to pull yourself away from the main stage, you may want to check out these breakout sessions.

1A  9:30 – 10:00 a.m.

Topic:  Signs from God

Speaker:  God

Summary

Are you overwhelmed from so many signs from God that it is hard to tell what is and what isn’t a sign from God these days?  We will use Todd Akin as our prime example.  His sign from God is he stays in the race.  Everyone hating his comments is a sign he should go.  Which is it?  God will tell us himself.  The suspense is killing us!  Come to this half an hour session on how to tell when you are really getting a message from the big guy upstairs and when it’s just nothing.  Use this as a sign and come to this session.

 

2A  9:00-10:00 a.m.

Topic: Campaign commercials

Speaker:  Kirk Cameron

Summary

Can’t seem to film the campaign commercial that sticks with your voters?  Need help coming across more ?authentic” in your TV commercials?  Film and television veteran Kirk Cameron will join us and help you with:

  • Leaning against a farm fence with one knee up.
  • Sitting down to a family picnic under an oak tree.
  • Gathering the grandchildren up on your lap as you read them a book.
  • Putting your arm around your wife for the last camera pose.
  • How to say, “I’m (insert name) and I approve this message.”

You will have people believing in no time that you are really farming the land every day and that your life in Washington is something you can only tolerate until you can be back out there on your acreage plowing the God-given land on your John Deer.

3A  9:30-10:00 a.m.

Topic:  Walking on water

Speaker:  Kevin Yoder

Summary

Come out poolside and see if you really are a gift from God.  Join Congressman Kevin Yoder as you strip down to what God originally gave you and see if you can walk on water.  Those who can’t prepare to get a little wet.  Bring a towel.  No cameras please.

Afternoon Sessions

1B  1:00-2:00 p.m.

Topic: Balancing the Budget Extreme Couponing Style

Speaker:  The Extreme Coupon Ladies

Summary

Come see the ladies from Extreme Couponing and find out how they manage their household on cat food, Hot Pockets and tissues.  Take the lessons they have learned and apply them to your state and federal programs.  Every lawmaker will receive a 3-ring binder, laminated sheets and a calculator!

 

2B  1:30-2:00 p.m.

Topic:  Christianity:  American Jews and Muslims really are just Christians

Summary

In order for prayer to be accepted in all areas of our government, we need to start by accepted that Jesus Christ is God.  Jews and Muslims believe in God, therefore, everyone is really Christian!  Join us as we explore this further and understand that inside we really are all the same, meaning we really are all Christian.  Trust us when we say it makes total sense to us!

3B 2:30-close

Founding Fathers Party

Get your party on!  Since we reference the Founding Fathers so much in justifying what we do, come dressed as your favorite one.  (I know we all look like John Adams, but everyone can’t all come dressed like him.  Mix it up people!)

 

 

 

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One thought on “Unofficial Breakout Sessions for the RNC

  1. God told me to go to the God session instead of bracing for the impending Hurricane. God is great.

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