Aimee Patton

A pleasantly eccentric take on politics

So I don’t like to tell too many personal stories on my blog except about my awesome liberalness, but I thought I would take a minute to share.  I was at a health fair this past weekend.  At the health fair, I got my cholesterol screened.  Just a simple finger prick and 10 minutes later viola.





Nice nurse lady, “Maybe you should modify your diet.”

“Modify my diet?  I haven’t had a hamburger since 1988.  Do you hear me.  No beef has passed these lips since 1988.  It was the Bush/Quayle years.  Gas was 91 cents a gallon.  Milli Vanilli was/wasn’t singing.  Remember those days?  That was the last time I enjoyed a juicy, delicious single with cheese from Wendy’s.  You’re telling me I gave up beef and pork and I’m still looking at a cholesterol at over 200?”

Maybe I gave her a little more than she needed to know.

It was 1988 and I was just a kid in high school.  I was at an art fair at the University of Michigan.  I innocently enough passed a display table for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.  I was instantly drawn in.  How can you not be?  Unless you are made of stone, you are drawn in.  I was looking at the picture of the bunny half shaved from some experiment at a cosmetics company.  Right then and there I pledge to stop eating meat.  I didn’t pledge to give up my cosmetics.  Hello…have you met me?  Let’s get serious people.  I was 16.  Priorities. Have I mentioned I’m a bit dramatic?

After about 2 weeks of this animal pledge I realized this was harder than I ever thought it would be.  Remember it was the 80’s before the whole Alicia Silverstone Vegan craze kicked in.  When I went to fast food restaurants there rarely were salads to choose from.  So I started eating chicken and turkey, but continued to save the cows and pigs.  Chicken and turkeys, there are too many of them in the world anyway so screw them.

As I grew older, I didn’t really care much about the cows or pigs I was saving, but I just decided not to eat beef or pork anymore, because of the cholesterol benefits I thought I was getting.  Sometimes people assumed that I didn’t eat pork, because I was Jewish.  I didn’t exactly go out of my way to correct them.  Remember, I was the only Jewish kid at a Southern Baptist college.  I did enough defending of my religion that I took that freebie even though it wasn’t exactly true.  Sorry people who thought I was super Jew.

Turns out my no meat sacrifice has been for NOTHING.

Other then saving some cows and pigs, which by the way not eating beef or pork since 1988 probably amounts to one entire pig and one entire cow.  You are welcome pigs and cows of America or China or where ever the hell you are.

If you are wondering, yes I have missed bacon.  Yes I have missed a ham and cheese on an onion roll.  Yes I have missed steak and I have really missed that single with cheese from Wendys.

Excuse me while I go pull out my old Milli Vanilli cassette tapes and blame my high cholesterol on the rain.


5 thoughts on “Somebody pass the beef

  1. Somer says:

    Oh girl! Sorry about those levels, other than that, this post is hilarious. Unfortunately chicken and turkey have nearly as much cholesterol as beef, and dairy products are particularly sneaky, even skim milk contains cholesterol. I reduced my cholesterol a ton when I cut all animal products out of my diet. I’ll bet if you tried it for a month, you’d see a huge change in those numbers. Heart disease is one of the number 1 killers of women, and often people don’t get the high number warning you just did.

    1. Thanks for the tip. I stopped eating chicken and turkey back in July. I’m down to almost no eggs and very little milk. I can’t seem to give up cheese. I love cheese! My goal is to give it up as well. Just call me Alicia! Thanks for reading!

      1. Somer says:

        Alicia- cheese is the hardest for sure! It took me a few months to get over the cravings. Hope you can get through it 🙂 Can I share something with you?

      2. I’m already reading your blog. It’s excellent. Thanks for sharing.

      3. Somer says:

        Sweet, just followed you too 🙂

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