Aimee Patton

A pleasantly eccentric take on politics

Dear God,

I was checking out your Facebook page.  With all the things you have going on, I was a little surprised you have time for a Facebook page.  Usually I just scroll right by it for more important things like the twins cuddling picture or the click “like” and see what happens to the striped cat picture.  This time I thought I would take some time and take a good look at your Facebook page.

Here is my review of your Facebook page.

1.  There are a lot of postings from God to “like in 2 seconds if you love God”.  and then a picture.  Then if you scroll down there is this quote, “When you’re tempted to lose patience with someone, think how patient God has been with you all the time.”  Ummm….God, I know I have a lot riding on getting into heaven, but 2 seconds is a very short amount of time for me to click “like”.  Do you think you could increase that 2 seconds to maybe 5?  I would hate to get up to heaven and hear you go, “I said 2 seconds, you hit like in 4 seconds so you’re out.”  A gentle suggestion, because you are God, but that isn’t so patient.

2.  Like me, God isn’t so great with the proofing.  Under his header as “public figure” there is this – Everybody thinks I’m crazy. They say, “You take the Jesus thing too seriously.” Well i don’t know, but Christ took me pretty seriously when, he died for me on the Cross.

You don’t capitalize your “i” very much on your page.  If I was God, I wouldn’t just capitalize it, I would hyper-capitalize it.  I mean I am God.  I would want the biggest freaking I out there.  Here is another one – ‘Like’ if you think they still beautiful♥

I guess those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones…

3.  Then there is this – God, I don’t just think this is “rude”, I think this is absolutely horrific.  It’s a picture of a snake eating a kid and the photographer is taking a picture.  Rude would be if a person sneezes and someone doesn’t say “bless you”.  Rude is someone not holding  the door open for someone else.  Now unless you have changed the rules and you can do that since you are God, you have just raised the bar considerably on what is considered “rude”.  Send me a sign if this is the case, just a nice sign, not a bolt of lightning or anything like that.  How about a Facebook post?

4.  Just a side note – I’ve seen a lot of pictures of Jesus before, but never this one.  Jesus is hot!  Those are some dreamy brown eyes.  When you have a second, I mean if you have a second…oh never mind.

5.  I could use a little clarification on this one – is it “ignoring” or not accepting?  This is a pretty big deal, because spending eternity in hell could really suck.  My definition of hell is a large screen television with Fox News playing non-stop with Michele Bachmann as president with no term limits and hell doesn’t serve cocktails…I could go on.  Well, heck you know what my definition of hell is, I mean you are God.

Photo: 'Like' if you agree<3

There is some good stuff on your Facebook page.  Pray a lot, treat the elderly with respect, don’t hit women.  Might I suggest that you do a little less posting and a little more helping the world as a whole…ending disease, war, mass shootings and poverty?  I think you know we are a bit of a mess down here.  Again, these are gentle suggestions.

Are you just  a little pissed that with over one million Facebook users you only have 225,000 likes?  Oh well, you have the final say in that one. Two second likes are going to be the least of everyone’s problems, don’t you think?

Now I will go and wait for the clouds to part and that big lightening bolt to strike me down.

I will work on getting faster on my “likes”.  Two seconds?  Really God?

Yours in love and two second “likes”,



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