Aimee Patton

A pleasantly eccentric take on politics

Dear American people,

I am submitting a proposal that I hope you will take into consideration as a possible solution to our gun problems in America. As the gun debate continues, it seems like Democrats and Republicans are all agreeing that background checks are necessary when it comes to purchasing a gun. All too often there are places like the internet and gun shows where guns are purchased without a necessary background check. If there is anything I think our representatives can come to agreement on, it’s expanding the background checks to apply everywhere a gun is purchased.

The next question is…where is the money coming from to fund this proposal and is this something better handled by a private company?

I don’t usually agree with Republicans on much, but I think in this case there is a private company can do a very thorough job at conducting background checks. That is why I am officially endorsing eHarmoney as the company who can provide the most comprehensive background checks this nation needs.

“Wait, isn’t eHarmoney an online dating site?” you may be asking.

Correct…eHarmoney is an online dating site.

Allow me to explain.

Once upon a time there was a women, a very, very young woman, who was looking for love. She decided that in order to find love, she would do as millions like her have done before – she was going online looking for a “lasting relationship”. That eHarmoney commercial with the gray-haired man talking about love kept popping into her mind. Pictures of the cute couples who “complete each other” were something that attracted this young woman to pick eHarmoney as her online dating match maker.

So, this young woman took the “free personality profile” to get set up so she could find the love she so longed for. 29 questions was all it took. She read the directions and noted when it said to answer to the questions as honesty as possible to find your love.

So she did…

On a grading scale of “never” to “always” she answered questions like:

1. Do you like being the center of attention? (she writes a blog that she hopes people will read) Always

2. Are you kind? Depends on the day she thought, but she answered slightly right of center towards the always mark.

3. Do you want to be sexually compatible with your mate? Who the hell would answer no? So she answered “always”. If “hell ya” was an option, she would have written that in.

4. Do you want to have more kids? Wait, wasn’t the first question what’s my, I mean her, age? Do the math eHarmoney – Advanced maternal age at this point is an understatement. Hell to the no.

5. List 3 things you cherish: her daughter, her blog and a good game of craps and yes in that order.

For about a half an hour she answered the questions honestly. Does she work out? Sometimes. Do you care if your mate is physically attractive? What type of question is that? Totally in the eye of the beholder so that falls on the middle of the “care-meter”.

The answers flowed so quickly she was almost giddy at the end when she would hit submit and all of the potential matches would come flowing onto her computer screen.


“We are sorry, but we are unable to match you at this time. This is not a personal reflection of you. blah blah blah blah blah”

Wait..what? No match? No “you complete me” couple.…no love.

I, I mean she was rejected by an online dating service.

Rock freaking bottom….

She tried to go back and “soften” her profile. Maybe she didn’t always have to be the center of attention. Maybe she is nicer than she gives herself credit for. Maybe sexual compatibility is over-rated. She could just live as good friends with her love match. I mean aren’t there some religious sects that do that? You know they call each other “brother” and “sister”. Or is that Mormanism? She gets confused.

The back button only confirmed her sudden panic- locked out. The same humiliating message came up. It should have read, “You only have one time to make a good first impression. So sorry you old maid. Now go pet your many cats.”

This sad story is why I believe that the best possible company to profile and accept new gun owners are the same people who hold the keys to love. eHarmony – the name alone is peaceful – Harmony (insert angels singing and playing harps).

Harmony is something we all strive for with gun ownership. We hope to never actually have to use the gun we buy for protection. Who better to profile potential dangers to our society then the same online dating system that can dump potential online clients in a half an hour and reject their willingness to give them money to set them up. Whatever eHarmony’s secrets are to matching love, lets apply those same tactics to weed out dangerous criminals trying to buy guns.

Gun background checks could just be the beginning for eHarmony….maybe terrorist profiling is next. The options are endless. Hell, for all this woman knows, answering these questions may have put her on some list and not the one that eHarmony advertises.

eHarmoney – the American people will be in touch regarding this proposal.

The woman wanted me to share her parting message to eHarmoney as she logged off her profile.

Go fuck yourself eHarmony. Now move that middle of center “kind” answer all the way to the NEVER mark. That other question about her temper – she is working on it.




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