Aimee Patton

A pleasantly eccentric take on politics

If you’re a parent you are well aware what time of year it is…school picture time.  My little darling came home with her annual school picture order form.

Inter-State is the company that will be doing my child’s pictures this year.  It’s easy enough – pick a background, pick a border and drop my little darling’s picture into the shot and voila!  A lifetime of memories.

According to the company – “smiles are in this season”.  Gives me warm fuzzies already.  So I checked out the backgrounds.  Not much as changed since the 1970’s.  They have added a patriotic background to show my love for my country.  They have kept the autumn theme.  They added something like looks like a black and white, Vampire Diaries background.

Then there is this – in case my little darling wants to pretend she is having first grade in Maui instead of landlocked in Kansas.


Now borders – nothing too exciting here – except for the skull and crossbones option.  Awesome for future tattoo ideas for my little juvenile delinquent.  Maybe it’s really the sign for poison control.  You can’t be too safe these days.



I’ve saved the best part for last.  In case little junior is U-G-L-Y there is an option for a “re-touch”.

Say what?

Yes, you read that correctly.  You can retouch your kid’s picture.  According to the website, “the re-touch option helps remove facial blemishes and brightens teeth.”  It is one of their most popular options.

“Yes I know I said you were beautiful dear, but that’s only to me.  We really need to opt for the re-touch option.  Trust me on this.  You actually resemble something close to a dog’s butt.  You don’t really want your picture “as is” in  your school year book.  The Kardashian’s do it all the time.”

It gets better ladies and gentlemen.  There is also the “soft touch” option. If little Suzie is absolutely heinous you can have her soft touched with “sophisticated lighting”.  Translated this must mean blurred out.   I’m sure this will be a grand slam for your daughter’s self-esteem when you tell her she needs re-touching AND sophisticated lighting for her school pictures.

Maybe they left out the third options which is just a black dot where your child should be?  I should call Inter-State and suggest it.  Tell me again how more accepting we are of kids these days than we have ever been.

Too bad these weren’t options back in the late 70’s.  I only wish I could have had these awesome purple glasses re-touched right out of this photo of me from kindergarten.  All I can say is…really mom?




6 thoughts on “Attention: My Kid is Ugly As Hell – Retouching Is In Order!

  1. paarna says:

    Sarcasm wears thin as does the belief that making fun is the same as being funny. Find some joy.

  2. paarna says:

    Sarcasm quickly wears thin. Making fun is not the same as being funny. Find some joy.

    1. I have plenty of joy. Thank you for taking the time to comment. For now I will bless and release. Have a great weekend! Aimee

  3. endonurse says:

    Love the “mushroom” cut. I wish they had simply “misplaced ” my Senior picture. It was the worst bad hair day ever!

  4. Darla says:

    Those glasses are fantastic, Aimee! Couldn’t Mom find anything bigger?

    1. I know! I think some of my face is not covered!

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