Aimee Patton

A pleasantly eccentric take on politics

In honor of my Grandmother who never met a cocktail she didn’t like.

Gather round America because we got a problem. liquors

Put your guns down for a second and pull up a chair.  We have to have an honest conversation about something.  I’m just going to be really blunt.  What’s up with the pussification of the American cocktail? I know that is really crass, but there is no way else to describe it.  You’ve seen it and I’ve seen it.  It’s slowly been creeping up on us and it’s something you and I can’t ignore.  I think we have reached a crisis level here ladies and gentlemen.

What the hell is going on with our liquor these days America?  Anybody else notice it’s resembling a breakfast cereal more than good, old American booze this country was founded on?

What compelled me to write this post was  commercial for “Cinnabon Vodka”.  Just let that one sink in for a second.  That thud you just heard was our great-grandparents rolling over in their graves.

Booze should be many things – smooth, intoxicating, dry, stiff, weak, straight-up, on the rocks.  It should burn a little and feel like it’s putting hair on your chest.  It should make you smack your lips together and go, “ahhh.”  What it should never, ever, ever I mean EVER do is taste like your calorie bomb, diabetes inducing, icing dripping breakfast pastry.  For God sake’s people what have we come to?

In an era where the most popular show is Mad Men, have we forgotten everything?  Booze was just booze then.  It came in flavors like whiskey, cognac, gin, and vodka.  That’s it.  If you wanted flavors there were things called limes and limes.  Case closed.  There wasn’t any under-aged drinking problems because the booze tasted like shit.  Booze was an “acquired taste” translation – it didn’t taste very good.  There were a few umbrella drinks out there like the Pina Colada and the Strawberry Daiquiri, but those could only be found on the Lido deck of a cruise ship.

Now our liquor rivals our children’s breakfast cereal.

“I know you get Fruit Loops for breakfast honey, but you should really try mommy’s Three Olive’s Loopy Vodka.”

Worried little Johnny is going to raid your liquor cabinet?  You should be! Your liquor tastes better than his Halloween candy stash.

What’s the matter with us?  Weren’t we once the home of the brave?  Why doesn’t that apply to our alcohol anymore?  People want to take semi-automatic weapons into a Chipolte, but they are allowing the American public to consume this stuff.  Pass a law or something.  Where are your priorities?

How can we be taken seriously on an international stage when one of our drinking options is peanut butter and jelly vodka?

What are we 6?  How about if we just really get at the heart of the issue and serve up this liquor in juice boxes with a side of fruit chewies instead of mixed nuts at the bar?  Then after four drinks the bartender can hand you a mat and you can unroll it on the floor for nap time.  After that maybe a little finger painting?  I know people say that kids are maturing later  and later these days, but this is ridiculous.

I’ll admit it, I’ve had a vanilla vodka a time or two in my life, but haven’t we gone overboard?  Just because you can flavor something, does it mean you should flavor something?

Maybe for all those people who are longing for the good old days in American, we should start by just drinking a good, old-fashioned cocktail  You want your cocktail to taste like cereal?  Here’s an idea.  Eat a bowl of cereal while drinking a cocktail.  Want your cocktail to taste like a cinnamon roll, eat a cinnamon roll.  I’m off the charts with good ideas.  Just stop with these flavored drinks.  We owe it to our ancestors and the future of America.

Let’s bring back this country’s greatness.  Start by mixing a good cocktail in honor of your grandparents.  They will thank you for it.

(PSA – remember to drink responsibly and don’t drink and drive)







One thought on “The pussificaion of the American cocktail

  1. bobarmi says:

    Didn’t I warn you this was coming!!!!..Gin & Tonic for me please, hold the lime.

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