Dear Governor Brownback,
Tis the season of holiday parties! First there were Christmas parties and now there are New Year’s parties, but we can’t forget the ultimate party that will be coming up after the first of the year (no, not my birthday party) your inauguration ball!
I’m over my shock that you got re-elected and now I would like to volunteer my services to be the ball planner for this Topeka shindig. First, we need to take an honest look at Kansas. Yes, that means understanding that we have a $278 million dollar budget deficit. I think we shouldn’t shy away from this and instead embrace this fact.
On that note, said in my best Michael Buffer WWE voice….LETS GET READY TO PARTY!!!
The theme will be Mind over Matter – We Don’t Mind, Because You Don’t Matter! That will work perfectly with all the budget cuts that are being made to social programs from your great tax experiment. Our vulnerable population is taking the biggest hit with the budget cuts and we might as well call it out in this theme for your ball. It’s so much more honest than your “Leading the Kansas Comeback” from your election. I mean really. How possible is a comeback when we are that far in the hole?
Chocolate fountains are always a big hit! We definitely need one for your inaugural ball, however,we won’t turn it on. Like your tax cuts that never trickled down to help people at the bottom, your fountain will just pool chocolate at the top. It won’t be spectacular like a working chocolate fountain, but neither were your tax cuts. Every Inaugural Ball needs a cake. Yours will be a giant scissors. This represents every program that will need to be cut from your failed tax experiment. I’m sure I can find a baker that can make gray icing.
No champagne at this party! The drinks need to also reflect the state of budget. We will be serving shots of Hot Damn in Dixie cups. Everyone will yell, “hot damn I can’t believe he won either,” as we drink the night away.
Nothing says a good party like a great playlist. Pharrell’s song Happy won’t do here. Only songs that reflect how broke we are will do..
We will kick this party of right with Barenaked Ladies, If I had a million dollars. Because seriously if S2 only had a million dollars.
Then we will move to Macklemore’s Thrift Shop. We will all change the opening lyrics to this,
Kansas gonna balance some budget
Only got $278 million dollar deficit
I – I – I’m hunting, looking for some programs
This fucking sucks
I’m already getting the party favors made up. Piggy banks for everyone with your face on the side! I figure the way things are going in 2015, everyone is going to need to save their pennies.
Yours for throwing a killer ball,